We had a fun Christmas visit today with Nonnie and her friend Diane. Nonnie came bearing lots of nice, generous gifts, all of which Kyle thoroughly enjoyed! I didn't get too many pictures because my camera bit the dust mid-visit (probably because I dropped it on the hardwood floor). Here are a few though...
Thursday, December 29, 2011
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
Christmas 2011
Christmas was a lot of fun for the boys. We had a nice dinner and fun opening presents at Grammy's house on Christmas Eve with Ca and family. And then we all had Christmas day together at my house. Ca and her kids slept over, so we got to do the Santa preparations together, which was nice. And having them all here Christmas morning made everything that much better.
Kyle was very pleased to see that Santa brought him all the toys he requested...an ambulance, a cash register, and a teddy bear (and an airplane for Luke). But I don't know WHAT Santa was thinking when he picked out that bleeping ambulance...it has the loudest, most obnoxious audio imaginable! One of the buttons on it is a horrible-sounding fake cough, which is ironic because we were the most disgusting-sounding group on Christmas with all of our lingering coughs/congestion. So we definitely didn't need any fake additions!
There is probably no day that has a stronger sense of loss for me than Christmas. I could just so vividly picture what Jared would be doing if he were there, lying on the floor being goofy with the kids, showing them how all their new toys work, and truly savoring every minute of it. He was the rock of our family and everything still just feels so empty, "mechanical", and difficult without him.
Sometimes I just look at our little boys and it seems unfathomable to me that they don't have a father. It just breaks my heart thinking about all the love and fun and father-son bonding that they are missing out on in life. And also thinking about all the fatherhood joy that Jared is missing out on too. But I continue to be so thankful that we got pregnant with Luke when we did, so that the boys have each other. And I just look at Luke with such amazement, thinking about how he was somehow able to survive/grow/thrive inside me during those 6 months when I was experiencing the most intense grief/stress possible and felt completely dead inside. But he is so strong and full of life, my little angel from heaven. I just love my boys so much, and love that they are a direct and lasting product of the love that Jared and I shared.
Kyle was very pleased to see that Santa brought him all the toys he requested...an ambulance, a cash register, and a teddy bear (and an airplane for Luke). But I don't know WHAT Santa was thinking when he picked out that bleeping ambulance...it has the loudest, most obnoxious audio imaginable! One of the buttons on it is a horrible-sounding fake cough, which is ironic because we were the most disgusting-sounding group on Christmas with all of our lingering coughs/congestion. So we definitely didn't need any fake additions!
There is probably no day that has a stronger sense of loss for me than Christmas. I could just so vividly picture what Jared would be doing if he were there, lying on the floor being goofy with the kids, showing them how all their new toys work, and truly savoring every minute of it. He was the rock of our family and everything still just feels so empty, "mechanical", and difficult without him.
Sometimes I just look at our little boys and it seems unfathomable to me that they don't have a father. It just breaks my heart thinking about all the love and fun and father-son bonding that they are missing out on in life. And also thinking about all the fatherhood joy that Jared is missing out on too. But I continue to be so thankful that we got pregnant with Luke when we did, so that the boys have each other. And I just look at Luke with such amazement, thinking about how he was somehow able to survive/grow/thrive inside me during those 6 months when I was experiencing the most intense grief/stress possible and felt completely dead inside. But he is so strong and full of life, my little angel from heaven. I just love my boys so much, and love that they are a direct and lasting product of the love that Jared and I shared.
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Christmas Season
My widow friend and I often talk about our "double whammy". We had read how this is the only kind of loss in life that packs this awful double punch...it not only leaves you with the most intense grief/sadness possible of losing your life partner, best friend, and father of your children, but it also leaves a very, very difficult life in its wake, raising little kids as an "only" parent while running the household alone.
And the holidays just make this double whammy seem that much harder. I think it's a combination of trying to find the time/energy to get everything done alone (shopping, decorating, cards, wrapping, etc) while the void in our family/house just feels 100 times magnified during this supposedly "merry" time. But the Christmas season was such a fun, magical time for me as a kid (and as an adult with Jared), and I absolutely want our kids to grow up with that same feeling. So I will do everything possible to make sure that happens and am hopeful that it feels more "merry" with each passing year. I just so miss sharing my life, especially the kids, with Jared. Christmas morning would have been so fun together this year, watching Kyle's awe when he sees that Santa came and really "getting it".
When I'm feeling especially sad/exhausted/overwhelmed, I try to look back over the last XX (21) months and recognize things that have gotten easier in my life. And there are a lot of them! So here are a few, in no particular order:
- Despite my children being pretty non-existent nappers, they have turned into GREAT night sleepers...12+ hours without a peep! So there is no excuse for me to be sleep-deprived anymore. And for the most part, I'm not.
- I am not pregnant or nursing so can eat/drink whatever I want without worrying about its affect on the baby. And I repeat, I AM NOT NURSING!!
- I am not trying to sell 2 different houses, failed last-minute closing and all, while buying land and designing/building a third house (while pregnant/working full-time, and then caring for a newborn/completely sleep-deprived, while also raising Kyle).
- I no longer have to be a germophobe, because Luke's growth/nourishment no longer requires him to suction onto anything (something that is nearly impossible to do with a stuffy nose, especially when it was nearly impossible for him to begin with!).
- We are settled in our house and I LOVE IT! There is literally nothing I would change, despite having designed every square inch of it during the absolute darkest days of my life. The house/neighborhood just feel perfect for us, and I love feeling settled with no moves on the horizon (packing/moving and all that goes along with it, which I did a couple times this last year and a half, is NOT fun).
- For the first time basically in Luke's entire life, I feel pretty good about his current growth rate and feel capable of maintaining it (albeit by still feeding him formula-enhanced baby food while distracting him to the point that he doesn't really know that he's eating). But this gives me a cushion to try more drastic measures to get him to "learn" to swallow non-pureed food.
And now for some kid updates. First Kyle. Ever since our Skype with Nonnie on Saturday, he has been VERY into coloring, which is a great new activity for him, one that he has always resisted for some reason. And the other thing that he's very into is getting "special treats". And I have learned that he will happily do just about anything if I preface it with "as a special treat...". For example, after he spilled on his pants this morning (meaning I had to change them, which is usually a battle), I said "as a special treat, do you want to wear your comfy tan pants today?" and he super-excitedly complied! And today at lunch, "as a special treat, do you want to have some peas for dessert?" and he excitedly wolfed down the whole bowl. And then before bed he likes to talk about how many special treats he had that day...very cute :) I almost tried to push my luck this afternoon when I wanted to cut his fingernails, but I bribed him with a piece of avocado instead of going the "special treat" route...I don't want to abuse my most effective parenting tool!
And Luke has two new tricks...he will very proudly slap my outstretched hand when I say "give me five" (something that Kyle has only recently started doing, and very stingily at that!). And he also has a new "game" where he holds out a toy to Kyle like he wants to share and then pulls it back at the last second with a huge smile and runs away (he's not quite as coordinated as he'd like to be, so this often results in him toppling over when he goes for the getaway). We call it "teasing" and it's super cute! Kyle thinks it's funny too. I've been trying to get it on video but no luck so far...I'll post it if/when I get it. And hopefully I'll get some good pictures soon too...nothing post-worthy at the moment, probably because I haven't really taken any recently!
And the holidays just make this double whammy seem that much harder. I think it's a combination of trying to find the time/energy to get everything done alone (shopping, decorating, cards, wrapping, etc) while the void in our family/house just feels 100 times magnified during this supposedly "merry" time. But the Christmas season was such a fun, magical time for me as a kid (and as an adult with Jared), and I absolutely want our kids to grow up with that same feeling. So I will do everything possible to make sure that happens and am hopeful that it feels more "merry" with each passing year. I just so miss sharing my life, especially the kids, with Jared. Christmas morning would have been so fun together this year, watching Kyle's awe when he sees that Santa came and really "getting it".
When I'm feeling especially sad/exhausted/overwhelmed, I try to look back over the last XX (21) months and recognize things that have gotten easier in my life. And there are a lot of them! So here are a few, in no particular order:
- Despite my children being pretty non-existent nappers, they have turned into GREAT night sleepers...12+ hours without a peep! So there is no excuse for me to be sleep-deprived anymore. And for the most part, I'm not.
- I am not pregnant or nursing so can eat/drink whatever I want without worrying about its affect on the baby. And I repeat, I AM NOT NURSING!!
- I am not trying to sell 2 different houses, failed last-minute closing and all, while buying land and designing/building a third house (while pregnant/working full-time, and then caring for a newborn/completely sleep-deprived, while also raising Kyle).
- I no longer have to be a germophobe, because Luke's growth/nourishment no longer requires him to suction onto anything (something that is nearly impossible to do with a stuffy nose, especially when it was nearly impossible for him to begin with!).
- We are settled in our house and I LOVE IT! There is literally nothing I would change, despite having designed every square inch of it during the absolute darkest days of my life. The house/neighborhood just feel perfect for us, and I love feeling settled with no moves on the horizon (packing/moving and all that goes along with it, which I did a couple times this last year and a half, is NOT fun).
- For the first time basically in Luke's entire life, I feel pretty good about his current growth rate and feel capable of maintaining it (albeit by still feeding him formula-enhanced baby food while distracting him to the point that he doesn't really know that he's eating). But this gives me a cushion to try more drastic measures to get him to "learn" to swallow non-pureed food.
And now for some kid updates. First Kyle. Ever since our Skype with Nonnie on Saturday, he has been VERY into coloring, which is a great new activity for him, one that he has always resisted for some reason. And the other thing that he's very into is getting "special treats". And I have learned that he will happily do just about anything if I preface it with "as a special treat...". For example, after he spilled on his pants this morning (meaning I had to change them, which is usually a battle), I said "as a special treat, do you want to wear your comfy tan pants today?" and he super-excitedly complied! And today at lunch, "as a special treat, do you want to have some peas for dessert?" and he excitedly wolfed down the whole bowl. And then before bed he likes to talk about how many special treats he had that day...very cute :) I almost tried to push my luck this afternoon when I wanted to cut his fingernails, but I bribed him with a piece of avocado instead of going the "special treat" route...I don't want to abuse my most effective parenting tool!
And Luke has two new tricks...he will very proudly slap my outstretched hand when I say "give me five" (something that Kyle has only recently started doing, and very stingily at that!). And he also has a new "game" where he holds out a toy to Kyle like he wants to share and then pulls it back at the last second with a huge smile and runs away (he's not quite as coordinated as he'd like to be, so this often results in him toppling over when he goes for the getaway). We call it "teasing" and it's super cute! Kyle thinks it's funny too. I've been trying to get it on video but no luck so far...I'll post it if/when I get it. And hopefully I'll get some good pictures soon too...nothing post-worthy at the moment, probably because I haven't really taken any recently!
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