Luke's $999,983 Dollar Smile and Newborn Kyle

Luke's million dollar smile (as Nonnie likes to call it) may have been downgraded a bit. If you look closely at the photo below (where I asked him to make his famous "finky face"), you will see one of his top teeth is chipped :( I noticed it last night was I was feeding him dinner. No idea how/when/where it occurred. But it is very jagged so I am taking him to the dentist this morning...hopefully they can smooth it out.

And in Kyle news, I feel like he's a newborn again in terms of the nights. Basically, he has had a cold since early December (literally). Very mild the last couple months, but definitely worse at night. And he still can't actually blow his nose, so stuff just sits back there (and makes him cough). But he thinks he needs a tissue constantly, because he feels "boogies" in there. But rarely is there anything actually on the tissue because when I tell him to blow, he blows out his mouth. I'm all over the place here (blame it on sleep-deprivation), but what I'm leading up to is that he hasn't slept through the night in months. And here are the reasons (two related to his cold, and two diaper related):

1) Coughing. I feel so bad for him when it's keeping him up, because I know what it's like. I've been giving him water to sip on and honey, but neither seems to do much. Although he loves the honey!

2) "Runny" nose. Two things with this, and it's damned if I do, damned if I don't. If I leave tissues in his crib, so that he can wipe his non-dripping nose whenever he so desires, they always end up on the floor and he then gets hysterical when he wants one in the night. So I have to go in and get them. And if I don't leave tissues in his crib, then he wakes me up throughout the night yelling that he needs a tissue.

3) Drenched. He wakes up soaked (diaper completely saturated and jammies all wet) and needs to be changed.

4) Poop. This is a new one. He now poops in the middle of the night (like a newborn), and needs to be changed. This was brought on by going full-days at preschool. He was used to pooping in the afternoon during his "nap". But now that he's at school in the afternoon, his schedule's all off and he doesn't poop. Sometimes I can get him to do one before bed. But sometimes he tries and can't, and then does one in the night.

Sooooo, all of these are fairly legitimate reasons for him to be waking me up (except the tissue thing). And in reality, they only require that I get up with him for a few minutes and then he goes right back to sleep. But even though it's been two years of being alone in the bed, I still have so much trouble falling asleep. And to have to do it a few times every night means I'm only sleeping for an hour or two at a time, averaging maybe 4 hrs total for the night.

And after so many weeks of this, I feel like it's really catching up with me. I get up in the morning in such a horrible mood, with very little patience. And Kyle's in a horrible mood because he's also somewhat sleep-deprived. And the day starts off with so many kid "chores" (diapers, getting dressed, getting breakfast, brushing teeth/hair, etc). And Kyle just fusses, whines, and generally drives me crazy through all of it. Such is life.

And unrelated, although somewhat relevant...I ordered Kyle a bed (just a twin mattress and boxspring) yesterday, and some truck bedding to go along with it. I think he'll do fine with the transition from the crib. And he will now be able to get all the tissues he wants in the night without my assistance! But I will now be stripping a bed instead of crib when he wakes up soaked. We'll see how it all plays out, but I really, really hope our nights improve soon.

Fun Family Visit

We had a great visit today with Nonnie, Great Grampy, Grammy, and especially Auntie Jayne and Amresh, who drove about 7 hours round trip from NYC to see us! And I'd be remiss if I didn't mention "Uncle Grape"...not sure who that is but Kyle had lots to say about him...apparently he's one of his favorite uncles :)

Luke's First Day of "School"

Not to be outdone by Kyle's school picture, here is Luke on his first day of "school" yesterday, wearing Kyle's backpack and feeling very cool :)

He now has two mornings of daycare (or "Luke's school" as we're calling it, so that he feels cool like his big bro) under his belt and seems to like it. Miss Laurie reported that he's been a good boy, although at times seemed a bit overwhelmed by the "rock star" treatment he's gotten for being the new kid on the block.

Yesterday he played a lot with Braden and Greg, who are both about his age. And today Miss Laurie said he was gravitating toward Chloe, who is also about his age. Love that he has all these little friends (and girlfriend?!).

Not to be outdone by Kyle, he came home with his first art project yesterday :)

And today he came home sporting a "Little Leprechaun Luke" hat :)


I'm so happy that he seems to like it, and I must say that I have thoroughly enjoyed my first taste of being in the house kid-free! I've had two very productive mornings, and look forward to more of them going forward (Tues and Thurs next week). It's amazing how much you can get done with a guaranteed block of almost 3 kid-free hrs!!

And a quick Kyle update, I think he is finally getting close to potty training. He is now very aware/uncomfortable when his diaper is wet and doesn't want to sit down. And he has even pooped on command (in his diaper) for me a couple times. And for the first time ever, he said he wanted to sit on the potty (which he often says) but actually followed through and DID sit and "try". I've been telling him that we'll be out of diapers in April and that he'll have to use the potty then. And he seems to be on board with that..."in March I just try, but in April I'll have to use the potty and get to wear big boy underwear". So he can talk the talk, but time will tell if he'll be able to walk the walk!

School Picture and Kid Update

I had absolutely NO expectations for Kyle's school picture, especially after his teacher told me that the photo session interrupted his snack...that poor photographer!! But I absolutely LOVE this picture!! It is definitely my current favorite of him. I took a picture of it, so it's a little distorted but gives you the idea...

In other kid news, Kyle started going full days at preschool last Thursday. His IEP team felt that he would benefit from the one-on-one time that a full day could offer. So he is in the same class in the morning, without aids. And then he's in a small special ed class in the afternoon with a one-on-one aid, to work on his social skills. His teachers have reported good progress over the last couple weeks, so hopefully that continues. And (knock on wood) he has handled the transition to "double school" fine. But it's a long day (the bus gets him at 8:30 and drops him off around 3), so he comes home pretty tired/grumpy. But I am very happy that he's getting these extra services and am hopeful that his good progress continues.

And in Luke news, he has become a little parrot, repeating anything and everything anyone else says! And without my prompting, he has taken to saying "help please" (in his super-sweet little voice) when he needs help...very polite little 1 year old :) He has also started answering any and all questions (whether they are directed at him or not!) with "yah", and he is very good at recognizing questions vs statements. I just love watching his language blossom!

And now that Kyle is going to "double school", Luke is without his buddy for those four days. So I have been searching for some sort of social activity for him (because he definitely likes being around other kids). But there's not too much out there for 1 year olds. So I decided to send him to a daycare a couple mornings a week (from 9 to 12). And a childhood acquaintance Laurie (who I am friends with on Facebook) runs a center out of her home about 3 minutes down the road. I checked it out yesterday and loved it!

There are a few other kids Luke's age, a nice outside play area, and overall a very fun/nurturing environment. And as an added bonus, Laurie's husband was laid off last year and has been home ever since helping her (apparently they are fine financially). So I absolutely love that there will be a guy around, since Luke has virtually no exposure to males. And I just get such warm, kid-loving vibes from Laurie on Facebook (and also when I talked to her in person yesterday)...she has 3 boys of her own and just really loves kids. So I feel really good about this and am also VERY excited to have these kid-free windows of time in the house. It will help from a work standpoint. But I'm getting my job done right now without this time, so I hope to use at least some of the time to run kid-free errands and get stuff done around the house. Thursday will be his first day, and I think it will be a win-win for both of us!

Two Years

My final conversation, laugh, hug, and kiss with Jared all feel like a lifetime ago. It seems impossible that it has been just two years. After college, time started going by very quickly, with the years kind of running together without much to define them. But not these two last years. That happy life I once had feels like such a distant almost surreal memory now. It's hard to remember how genuinely happy, content, and secure I felt. But I know I did. And I know that I recognized/appreciated it every single day.

Despite having another year under my belt, my emotions of grief and sadness are still very consuming, with it all still boiling down to the very simple "I just plain miss him". What I wouldn't give to have one more conversation with him. To reflect on our life. To share thoughts on our boys. To hear his perspective on death. As stupid as it sounds, I want to know that he's okay with death. Something that continues to haunt me is thinking how he left to play basketball that night, completely (and blissfully) unaware that his life was about to end. I can barely see the screen through my tears as I type this. I just truly hope that he has some higher purpose in this world and is at peace with that.

I could go on and on with a two year reflection. But I feel like it's all just the same old story, with time not really changing how I feel yet. So I'll end by sharing a very bittersweet new nightly ritual. After I read the boys a story and put Luke to bed, I snuggle with Kyle in his room in the dark for a few minutes. We start by playing the "today I liked..." game, where we go back and forth saying something we liked about the day (Kyle's are usually food-related, surprise surprise). And then completely out of the blue one night he started saying in his very sweet little voice "Daddy lives in heaven....he loves me so much...and he loves Luke...". Hearing him say those things, which he does almost every night now, just absolutely breaks my heart and brings me to tears. But at the same time I absolutely love that he seems to feel Jared's presence with us when we're snuggling, which is so fitting and appropriate.

We will always love you Jared, and I am thrilled that it seems you are finding ways for our boys to feel your love. Hopefully the line between the living and the dead is much blurrier than we think.