Christmas 2011

Christmas was a lot of fun for the boys. We had a nice dinner and fun opening presents at Grammy's house on Christmas Eve with Ca and family. And then we all had Christmas day together at my house. Ca and her kids slept over, so we got to do the Santa preparations together, which was nice. And having them all here Christmas morning made everything that much better.

Kyle was very pleased to see that Santa brought him all the toys he requested...an ambulance, a cash register, and a teddy bear (and an airplane for Luke). But I don't know WHAT Santa was thinking when he picked out that bleeping ambulance...it has the loudest, most obnoxious audio imaginable! One of the buttons on it is a horrible-sounding fake cough, which is ironic because we were the most disgusting-sounding group on Christmas with all of our lingering coughs/congestion. So we definitely didn't need any fake additions!

There is probably no day that has a stronger sense of loss for me than Christmas. I could just so vividly picture what Jared would be doing if he were there, lying on the floor being goofy with the kids, showing them how all their new toys work, and truly savoring every minute of it. He was the rock of our family and everything still just feels so empty, "mechanical", and difficult without him.

Sometimes I just look at our little boys and it seems unfathomable to me that they don't have a father. It just breaks my heart thinking about all the love and fun and father-son bonding that they are missing out on in life. And also thinking about all the fatherhood joy that Jared is missing out on too. But I continue to be so thankful that we got pregnant with Luke when we did, so that the boys have each other. And I just look at Luke with such amazement, thinking about how he was somehow able to survive/grow/thrive inside me during those 6 months when I was experiencing the most intense grief/stress possible and felt completely dead inside. But he is so strong and full of life, my little angel from heaven. I just love my boys so much, and love that they are a direct and lasting product of the love that Jared and I shared.