Christmas Visit with Nonnie

We had a fun Christmas visit today with Nonnie and her friend Diane. Nonnie came bearing lots of nice, generous gifts, all of which Kyle thoroughly enjoyed! I didn't get too many pictures because my camera bit the dust mid-visit (probably because I dropped it on the hardwood floor). Here are a few though...

Christmas 2011

Christmas was a lot of fun for the boys. We had a nice dinner and fun opening presents at Grammy's house on Christmas Eve with Ca and family. And then we all had Christmas day together at my house. Ca and her kids slept over, so we got to do the Santa preparations together, which was nice. And having them all here Christmas morning made everything that much better.

Kyle was very pleased to see that Santa brought him all the toys he requested...an ambulance, a cash register, and a teddy bear (and an airplane for Luke). But I don't know WHAT Santa was thinking when he picked out that bleeping ambulance...it has the loudest, most obnoxious audio imaginable! One of the buttons on it is a horrible-sounding fake cough, which is ironic because we were the most disgusting-sounding group on Christmas with all of our lingering coughs/congestion. So we definitely didn't need any fake additions!

There is probably no day that has a stronger sense of loss for me than Christmas. I could just so vividly picture what Jared would be doing if he were there, lying on the floor being goofy with the kids, showing them how all their new toys work, and truly savoring every minute of it. He was the rock of our family and everything still just feels so empty, "mechanical", and difficult without him.

Sometimes I just look at our little boys and it seems unfathomable to me that they don't have a father. It just breaks my heart thinking about all the love and fun and father-son bonding that they are missing out on in life. And also thinking about all the fatherhood joy that Jared is missing out on too. But I continue to be so thankful that we got pregnant with Luke when we did, so that the boys have each other. And I just look at Luke with such amazement, thinking about how he was somehow able to survive/grow/thrive inside me during those 6 months when I was experiencing the most intense grief/stress possible and felt completely dead inside. But he is so strong and full of life, my little angel from heaven. I just love my boys so much, and love that they are a direct and lasting product of the love that Jared and I shared.

Christmas Season

My widow friend and I often talk about our "double whammy". We had read how this is the only kind of loss in life that packs this awful double punch...it not only leaves you with the most intense grief/sadness possible of losing your life partner, best friend, and father of your children, but it also leaves a very, very difficult life in its wake, raising little kids as an "only" parent while running the household alone.

And the holidays just make this double whammy seem that much harder. I think it's a combination of trying to find the time/energy to get everything done alone (shopping, decorating, cards, wrapping, etc) while the void in our family/house just feels 100 times magnified during this supposedly "merry" time. But the Christmas season was such a fun, magical time for me as a kid (and as an adult with Jared), and I absolutely want our kids to grow up with that same feeling. So I will do everything possible to make sure that happens and am hopeful that it feels more "merry" with each passing year. I just so miss sharing my life, especially the kids, with Jared. Christmas morning would have been so fun together this year, watching Kyle's awe when he sees that Santa came and really "getting it".

When I'm feeling especially sad/exhausted/overwhelmed, I try to look back over the last XX (21) months and recognize things that have gotten easier in my life. And there are a lot of them! So here are a few, in no particular order:

- Despite my children being pretty non-existent nappers, they have turned into GREAT night sleepers...12+ hours without a peep! So there is no excuse for me to be sleep-deprived anymore. And for the most part, I'm not.

- I am not pregnant or nursing so can eat/drink whatever I want without worrying about its affect on the baby. And I repeat, I AM NOT NURSING!!

- I am not trying to sell 2 different houses, failed last-minute closing and all, while buying land and designing/building a third house (while pregnant/working full-time, and then caring for a newborn/completely sleep-deprived, while also raising Kyle).

- I no longer have to be a germophobe, because Luke's growth/nourishment no longer requires him to suction onto anything (something that is nearly impossible to do with a stuffy nose, especially when it was nearly impossible for him to begin with!).

- We are settled in our house and I LOVE IT! There is literally nothing I would change, despite having designed every square inch of it during the absolute darkest days of my life. The house/neighborhood just feel perfect for us, and I love feeling settled with no moves on the horizon (packing/moving and all that goes along with it, which I did a couple times this last year and a half, is NOT fun).

- For the first time basically in Luke's entire life, I feel pretty good about his current growth rate and feel capable of maintaining it (albeit by still feeding him formula-enhanced baby food while distracting him to the point that he doesn't really know that he's eating). But this gives me a cushion to try more drastic measures to get him to "learn" to swallow non-pureed food.

And now for some kid updates. First Kyle. Ever since our Skype with Nonnie on Saturday, he has been VERY into coloring, which is a great new activity for him, one that he has always resisted for some reason. And the other thing that he's very into is getting "special treats". And I have learned that he will happily do just about anything if I preface it with "as a special treat...". For example, after he spilled on his pants this morning (meaning I had to change them, which is usually a battle), I said "as a special treat, do you want to wear your comfy tan pants today?" and he super-excitedly complied! And today at lunch, "as a special treat, do you want to have some peas for dessert?" and he excitedly wolfed down the whole bowl. And then before bed he likes to talk about how many special treats he had that day...very cute :) I almost tried to push my luck this afternoon when I wanted to cut his fingernails, but I bribed him with a piece of avocado instead of going the "special treat" route...I don't want to abuse my most effective parenting tool!

And Luke has two new tricks...he will very proudly slap my outstretched hand when I say "give me five" (something that Kyle has only recently started doing, and very stingily at that!). And he also has a new "game" where he holds out a toy to Kyle like he wants to share and then pulls it back at the last second with a huge smile and runs away (he's not quite as coordinated as he'd like to be, so this often results in him toppling over when he goes for the getaway). We call it "teasing" and it's super cute! Kyle thinks it's funny too. I've been trying to get it on video but no luck so far...I'll post it if/when I get it. And hopefully I'll get some good pictures soon too...nothing post-worthy at the moment, probably because I haven't really taken any recently!

Visits with Hannah (and Julie and Marion) and Nonnie!

We've had some fun visits recently. Last weekend, we got to meet adorable little Hannah. She (or "he" as her sleep-deprived mommy referred to her a few times) is an absolute doll. And it was immediately apparent what a WONDERFUL mommy Julie has become...such a natural/nurturing pro. It was so fun to see her in this glowing new role :)

And today we had a fun visit with Nonnie. She and Kyle took a walk, and then both kids enjoyed being pushed on the swings. Such a nice day out there today...hopefully we have a few more before winter sets in!

Moore State Park Photo Shoot

One of my childhood friend's husband is starting a side photography business. And to get started, he was doing sessions at Moore State Park last Sunday. It was a gorgeous day and such a beautiful park! Here are some pictures from the shoot...

Officially Walking!

So as of 11/11/11, Luke is officially walking! It's funny because right before I left for my audit yesterday, I said to my Mom "I guess you'd say he's walking, although it's not yet his default mode of getting around". Well he decided to prove me wrong because he went from taking a few steps on command to walking all over ALL the time. And he's very proud of himself, which sometimes causes him to lose his balance because he's too interested in looking around to make sure that he has an engaged/impressed audience :) Walking is such a fun milestone, because it really changes his whole presence and makes him seem like a little toddler, not a baby :) :(

Beach Day!

The boys and I had lots of fun surprising Nonnie with an afternoon at the beach on this GORGEOUS day! I wasn't actually a surprise...I had fibbed that I was visiting a supplier near Kennebunkport, and asked Nonnie if she wanted to go for a beach walk afterward. And fortunately she did! So I stopped at her house to pick her up at the agreed upon time, and she got in the car, completely unsuspecting. And the boys were actually quiet for another 30 seconds or so before she discovered them!

Kyle liked walking down (way down, because it was low tide) to see the "huge water" (a.k.a the ocean) with Nonnie. And he had fun filling his pail with rocks and chasing the seagulls (or ducks, as he first called them). And Luke just liked everything sand! Rolling in it, rubbing it around, digging in it, eating it...you name it. He definitely didn't have that initial weirdness that some kids have with the feeling of sand...he LOVED it!! And his diaper should be interesting tomorrow because he definitely consumed a lot of it...

We had so much fun and look forward to doing it again in the spring. And I was so happy that Nonnie, a "Mainer", got to witness the kids' first ocean beach experience. And I love that it was right in Jared's beautiful old stomping grounds.

PS: I included the photo of me and the boys for a good chuckle...Kyle looking like he's about to punch me and Luke crying for about the only 30 seconds he's cried this week :)

PPS: If you notice that Luke seems to be holding a crumpled plastic cup that looks like trash, it's not. I actually brought a few of those little cups for them to dig with. But in looking through the pictures, it looks like he found a yucky old cup in the sand, so I thought I'd clarify :)

Halloween, Feeding Clinic, and 1st Haircut...

Elmo and Cookie Monster had a good White Halloween on "Lower Lowell", trick-or-treating with their horse and moose cousins. Pooks had fun riding in the wagon, knocking around his pumpkin and sucking on candy wrappers. And Kyle liked the concept of going up to the door and getting candy (and would say "trick or treat" if prompted, but usually after the fact). He said he wanted to eat the candy after the first house, but I told him that he'd have to wait until afterward. And then he didn't ask for it when we got home so I didn't give him any...why give a 3 year old candy if he isn't asking for it, right?!

And the UMASS feeding clinic had a cancellation today, so I took Luke a few weeks earlier than scheduled. Nothing noteworthy to report. They say he's growing well and getting the right nutrition (albeit largely through baby food and formula powder!). And after observing him eat/drink, the team didn't see any concerning red flags that would indicate a more serious issue. They did of course see how delayed he is in his chewing/swallowing abilities but felt it's somewhat within the realm of normal and will just take some work to get him caught up. But they feel he definitely has potential as an eater :)

So basically they said to keep battling forward with the finger foods and recommended stimulating his mouth (with some sort of vibrating thing) before each meal to wake up the muscles/senses a little. After all, life would just be WAY too easy if he could just put food in his mouth, chew and swallow without all this work/intervention! I also felt good because they completely agreed with me about passing on the barium swallow test, feeling it was unnecessary. The issue seems to be more with his tongue and facial tone, not with his swallowing.

And after his appointment this afternoon, I took him for his first haircut! I had trimmed his bangs a little before, but he was starting to get more straggly-looking than I thought I could remedy, so it was time. And what better time than when I was out with just him anyway. And despite having essentially not napped today (except for about 10 minutes this morning before I had to wake him up to get Kyle from school, and then another 10 minutes or so in the car on the way to his haircut), he did great! A bit confused but overall happy and accommodating with no fussing. Just when I thought he couldn't get any cuter, I think he just did :)

Happy Birthday Grammy!

The boys and I crashed Grammy's birthday lunch with Ca, Alex and Rachel at Unos today! I decided last minute that we'd join them, much to Grammy's surprise. I ordered Kyle's pizza ahead of time as "to go", so it was ready when we got there to minimize his waiting-for-food tantrum. He loved his pizza, but no so much the carrot sticks I brought to keep him occupied afterward. And Luke had fun hanging out with the big kids (and really liked the fact that he didn't actually have to eat!).

Here are a few pictures of Grammy's birthday lunch. Note, these pictures do not include one of Luke's car door handle, which I somehow ripped completely off the car in the parking lot so had to load/unload him through Kyle's side (stopped at a repair shop on the way home and it's really broken...have to fix through Subaru...ugh).


And I finally took a video today of Luke "walking" today. He's getting there...

Nap & Poop Log

Those who know me well should not be surprised to learn that yes, I have been charting my boys' naps and poops for the last few weeks, trying to find/confirm correlation between the two. Yes, I am that nerdy. But the engineer in me is just always trying to find "root cause" for their poor napping, despite my VERY rigid/consistent attempts to right the ship. Well, the root cause is VERY obvious...as I suspected, it is poops!

I have 23 days worth of data. Of Luke's 46 nap attempts (one in the morning and one in the afternoon), he napped 28 out of 46 times. And of those 18 non-naps, he had a poop 16 out of 18 times! And of the 28 naps that he took, he had ZERO poops! VERY obvious trend here. If he poops after I put him down, he won't fall asleep. If he doesn't poop, he will.

Now for Kyle. And he's had a cold for the last 1.5 weeks, so I'm lumping needing a tissue in with poops for him. Out of his 23 afternoon nap attempts, he napped 7 times (with no poops or nose issues). And of the 16 non-naps, he had a poop 10 times and needed his leaking-faucet nose repeatedly wiped the other 6.

So again, the root cause is quite obvious...if they have a poop (or a leaky faucet nose), they will NOT nap. If they don't, they will. So the obvious solution seems to be to check them for a poop (and squirt crazy glue up their nose) if they're not asleep after 15 minutes or so and change them if they do...I have tried this with both of them, but it seems to reset them...me coming in with the light on and changing a diaper makes them think naptime is over. So that hasn't worked.

So while the root cause of not napping is quite obvious, it does not explain how ridiculously untimely/unsynced they are with their non-naps (from a selfish Mommy standpoint of SOOOO wanting a little quiet, kid-free break during the day). And why they have to poop so often at the beginning of their naps?! On the mornings that Kyle is at school, I have the potential for a little break. Kyle had school 12 of the 23 mornings. And of those 12 days, I exercised 5 of them so those don't count since basically the whole Kyle-free window is spent exercising/showering. So of the 7 school/non-exercise mornings, Luke only napped 1 day (had poops the other 6)! And then for the afternoon naps, of Luke's 17 and Kyle's 7 naps, they did not overlap once, meaning Kyle napped on the same 7 afternoons that Luke did not...crazy! So of these 23 days, I only got a true nap break once (or actually twice, because Grammy took Kyle one afternoon and Luke napped). I know I sound like such a "poor me" loser. But I just feel like the potential is there, but poops and awful timing prevent it from happening.

Not getting a daily nap break from them was much harder to accept when they were 2 and "0", because it seemed like I "should" given their ages. But now that Kyle's 3, it is psychologically a little easier to accept because I know not all 3 years olds take naps. But it's still hard because they are both at such physically demanding, very dependent stages in terms of dressing/feeding/diapers/etc, that it feels like they are still "babies" and therefore should be napping better.

So now that you know WAY more than you'd ever want to about my boys' pooping habits, I guess this rambling, not-interesting-to-anyone-but-me post can be summed up very succinctly...I have CRAPPY NAPPERS, literally! So my new thing is to either put on my industrial earphones or turn on the microwave exhaust fan when I put them down for their afternoon nap, to try to drown out whatever yelling/crying is occurring while I wolf down my lunch and coffee. Oh, and if anyone is interested, over those 23 days, Kyle averaged 3.8 poops/day and Luke 4.3. So that's over 8 poopy diapers I'm changing per day. And Luke REFUSES to lie on his back for diapers, and it's a big game for Kyle teasing me and then running away when I try to change him (and he's showing NO potty interest/readiness yet). So not only is it very gross/frequent, but very challenging/frustrating to boot. Fun! Must look into ways to constipate my children... ;)

Let's see, since this post seems to be a negative one, what else can I complain about. Oh yeah, Luke is IMPOSSIBLE to get into his carseat these days! Kyle never went through that phase, but I had heard/read about it. He just becomes an absolute wild man, arching/twisting/bending to try to prevent me from strapping him in. And on Kyle's 4 school days, I get to strap him in FOUR times in a 2.5 hr span! If only they had a pre-preschool program, where I could drop Luke off for those 2 hrs too! Or at least a drive-through dropoff/pickup for Kyle.

And an update on another challenging Luke situation...a speech therapist came with Luke's Early Intervention OT yesterday and observed his eating. After seeing how he barely opens his mouth, doesn't really chew, and lets finger food just sit in his mouth instead of swallowing, she estimated that he's eating at about an 8 month level (and he's 14 months). So that at least validated my incredible frustration with feeding him, and how far off independent eating feels right now. She didn't really have any answers though, just that he seems to have low tone and to try to stimulate the mouth/facial muscles. Not sure how to do that, but I guess I'll look into it and add it to the to-do list. I go back to the feeding clinic with him in a few weeks and hopefully they will have some answers/solutions. It's just been SUCH a long 14 month struggle to nourish him, with no real end in sight. But he is making progress and I need to just focus on that. And she did think he was within the realm of normal (on the low end) for his "speech"...no words yet but she said he's making some good sounds which is encouraging. And his receptive language (and desire to learn) seems to be taking off, which is great to see!

I am constantly reminded by friends/family (and I fully know) that these are just tough ages regardless, even under the best of circumstances. And I 100% know that it would feel almost as hard even if Jared were here, because I wouldn't have the perspective that I have now. Although most of the daily kid "chores" would still largely fall on me, I'd get the little pick-me-up phone calls and emails during the day from him at work, and have the change of dynamics every night/weekend/vacation when he was home, and have his companionship/love/support/encouragement to look forward to each and every day. And help with the house upkeep. Not to mention the breaks from diapers, baths, the kid-free windows, getting to sleep-in occasionally, etc, etc. It would still feel very hard, but not in the lonely/overwhelming way it feels now.

What this all boils down to is that life continues to be very challenging on many levels. The basic challenge of raising our two little boys alone, paired with lots of worrying/managing their various developmental issues, all with the constant sadness of missing Jared and the happy, fulfilling life we shared. It would be easy to say that I didn't know how good I had it. But I absolutely DID know how good I had it and I recognized and appreciated our happy marriage every single day. I think that only makes it harder. In some ways, the true root cause of all of life's challenges right now is just how much I miss Jared, and miss sharing our life/children together, both the good times as well as the challenges. If Jared were here, all the other challenges/difficulties would remain. But tackling them as a team would make all the difference in the world.

Wow, this really did end up being a rambling post. I guess sometimes it helps to put all these feelings down into words. And the pickings were slim, but here are a few recent pics of the boys for you...

Rail Trail with Nonnie

We had a fun visit with Nonnie today. We went for a 2+ mile "hike" on the rail trail, and Kyle showed Nonnie the ropes...the 2 bridges, log pile, all the benches, and his favorite rock. I didn't take the double stroller, so I used pizza as a motivator for Kyle on the walk back to the car (in the interest of time, he usually walks the mile out to the 2nd ridge and then rides in the stroller on the way back). It was slow going at times but he's a little trooper (and really wanted pizza!).

And I got yet ANOTHER picture of Kyle that I really like...2 in less than a week! I guess the key is to plunk him on a bench on the rail trail :) And speaking of pictures, the reflectors on Luke's stroller really wreaked havoc on my photo attempts! You'll see it in some that I posted, but the reflection was WAY worse in a lot of the others, completely "whiting out" half the picture! I guess I should have turned the flash off...

Our "Nutshells"

Just thought I'd write an update with "our nutshells", which was Jared's cute/quaint expression when summing something up..."and that's my nutshell", instead of "in a nutshell" :)

KYLE'S NUTSHELL:
Kyle is definitely enjoying school, and his teacher reports that he is making progress in terms of joining the class activities with less prompting. So that's encouraging. I have an IEP progress meeting next week with his team and will be very interested to hear their observations/recommendations.

He had his 3 year well visit a couple weeks ago and it went well. He was around the 90th percentile for both height and weight, and he also got his flu and chicken pox shots while we were there. He was a good boy with all the waiting (probably because I let him play with my iPhone the whole time!).

And as an extension of the "Uncle Mike" joke, his new thing is making jokes about who is who...Benson is Kyle, Mommy is Grammy, Nonnie is Grampa, etc, etc. I just LOVE seeing him be silly and hearing him laugh. Hopefully there will be more and more of that in the near future.

LUKE'S NUTSHELL:
I can summarize Pooks in two words...pure joy. I know I am biased, but he is just the sweetest, happiest, most adorable little creature in the world :) He is my little "sonshine" and I could just gobble him up! I love Kyle every bit as much as him, but Luke is just at a very fun age...everything is exciting to him and he doesn't have that edge/attitude yet (and hopefully never will!).

He has started trying to take some steps, and is very proud of himself when he does. If I say "do your walking", he'll let go of whatever he's holding onto and take a couple steps before doing a faceplant. Unlike cautious Kyle, Luke has absolutely no fear (which can be good and bad). It's like it doesn't even occur to him that he can't really walk yet when he tries, and it doesn't phase him when he falls. I think real walking is still a ways off, but when he's physically ready, he'll take off with no fear!

And I feel like he's blossoming developmentally in a lot of areas. He likes looking at books now and is learning to recognize some of the pictures, like car and ball. And he points to the pictures using both his index and middle finger...those are the two fingers that he's sucked since he was a newborn and I guess he thinks they are a package deal...adorable :) And he'll "dance" on command (i.e. bounce up and down while holding onto something) and giggle as he's doing it. He will also try to repeat more sounds/words now, including "apple" (in honor of Steve Jobs?). And whenever he does something that he's proud of (which is quite often...as Grammy says, he has a very good opinion of himself!), he will also look for a reaction and praise. While rubbing his feet together like a little cricket, because that's what he does when he's happy/proud :)

And last but not least, what would a blog post be without a Luke feeding update. Only this time, it will be slightly positive! My new schedule with him is to do high calorie (mixing a jar with formula/cereal) breakfast and dinner, and then focus lunch more on self-feeding. And I must say, it is pretty tolerable! Granted, that is largely due to the fact that Grammy is feeding him dinner most nights. But he seems to take his high-calories meals more easily (not thrilled about it, but will tolerate it with enough antics/distractions). And he is making some progress with finger foods, seeming more excited about feeding himself and getting better at swallowing. I did take him to a pediatric GI doctor, to rule out any kind of GERD issue that could be causing all his eating difficulties. He didn't see anything obvious but ordered a modified barium swallow test (to rule out any physical causes) and prescribed an antacid (as a trial, to see if things improved). For now, after reading up on it, I don't think I am going to do either one of those. He seems to be making progress, I am able to maintain his weight, he's growing well in length, and he's very happy, sleeps well and never seems in pain. So I'd rather not subject him to radiation for a test that he may very well not cooperate for anyway. I'm still thinking about trying the Prilosec, but for now I'm holding off.

MY NUTSHELL:
My nutshell is a direct reflection of their nutshells. Luke's progress with eating is HUGE and really has improved the quality of my life. While I still dread feeding him, I don't feel like I'm going to lose my mind during it! So that's progress. Oh, and something I should have included in Kyle's nutshell is the fact that he's sleeping until 6:30/6:45 every morning now...hooray!! Just in time for "fall back" :( What a difference that extra hour makes though...getting up at 5:30 with a soaking wet, grumpy, demanding little boy was NOT a good way to start the day.

Since Jared died, I have found it very important to always have things on the calendar, to both look forward to and help break up the monotony. Along those lines, since I work from home on a flex schedule (meaning I work 7 days a week so the days seem to just run together), I like having things that make each day feel a little different. Kyle's school schedule helps...that defines Tues-Fri. And I have also found that exercising helps too. Ever since Luke started sleeping through the night (i.e. I stopped waking him up to try to nurse him throughout the night!), I have been exercising 4 days a week and haven't yet missed a day! My "secret" is that I schedule the 4 days on my calendar at the beginning of each week, and that way it doesn't feel like an option to me. And the fact that my exercise bike is in my bedroom with a TV in front of it helps too...would be hard to make excuses! So that defines those days, and obviously I particularly like the feel of the 3 days that I DON'T exercise!

So those are our nutshells. I haven't been good about taking pictures recently, but I took some on our rail trail walk this afternoon. I especially like the one of Kyle leaning on the bench...it is SO hard to get a good picture of him so I treasure the good ones of him that much more!

Kyle and Luke's Birthday Party!

Kyle and Luke had a great time celebrating their birthdays yesterday! We had all ages represented, ranging from 1 to two very spry 88 year olds. Kyle and Luke didn't seem at all overwhelmed by the crowd (24 was the final headcount) and appeared to enjoy all the commotion and attention. And of course all the wonderful presents!

But for the 3rd straight year, Kyle found the whole cake presentation very upsetting. But UNLIKE the last two years, he went to town on it and enjoyed every last bite! As expected (because it's food and all), Luke just liked smearing around the frosting, not actually eating it. Although he did put his finger in his mouth ONCE, after I did myself and then said "you do it". But that was it. Yay Pooks!

Thanks to all who helped make the day so special...my boys and I are very blessed to have so many wonderful, caring people in our lives.

PS: I apologize to anyone who used the kids' bathroom at the end of the hall and endured a horrible smell...I had their dirty diaper bag in there and forget to take it out before the party. Sorry! Thanks Aunt Ca for noticing and remedying the situation :)

First Day of School!

Today was Kyle's first day of preschool! He will be going 4 mornings a week (Tues - Fri from 9 - 11:20) on an IEP for his social/communication delays. I really like the school/people and am hopeful that things will start to "click" for him, and that he'll let loose and learn that it's fun to talk/play with other kids!

According to his teacher, he had a good first day. About 45 minutes after I dropped him off though, the phone rang and caller ID showed "Wachusett Regional". So of course my heart sank and I thought something was wrong. But it was just the preschool director calling to give me a little update and tell me that he was doing well (after she said who she was, she immediately said that Kyle was fine...I must have sounded worried when I answered!). I thought that call was a really nice gesture, especially since it was my first time leaving him anywhere with "strangers".

Kyle said he likes the "new school", and likes Miss Pam (his teacher), but the popsicle for snack was "too cold" (the teacher said he battled through it though and ate about half of it...what a trooper!). So I think preschool will be a really good thing for him and he will hopefully benefit from the highly educated/specialized staff there.

These "happy" kid milestone days are still just so hard/sad, not having Jared here to share them with. Between this and their birthdays, it's a tough stretch. I just miss him so much, and really, really miss being parents together. I know I've probably said it a lot, but sharing the parenting experience with him was truly the most joyful, gratifying experience of my life. I love my kids more than anything in the world, but parenting can now feel very lonely and overwhelming. I continue to take life one day at a time though and try not to look ahead too much. Looking back over the last year and a half is helpful though, recognizing that life sure is a lot easier than it was this time last year.

As for Luke, no big news in his world. Still doesn't like to eat (and he went to the extreme of vomiting his lunch up for Grammy today to get his point across). But he's still the cutest/happiest baby :) He had his 12 month check-up a few weeks ago and it went pretty well. He's about 80th percentile for length but only about 30th for weight. They like for these percentiles to be much closer, but at least he's growing well in length and has maintained the 30th(ish) for weight ever since he dropped down there around 4 months old. I have scheduled another appt at the UMASS Feeding Clinic, as he is not making much progress with finger foods. He'll put most anything in his mouth and chew, but for some reason doesn't want to swallow and just lets the food sit there.

I just hope and pray I look back at all of these feeding challenges a year from now and have a happy, healthy little 2 year old who eats/drinks willingly and gains weight normally. One other Lukey Pooks tidbit is that I started bathing him in the full bathtub (not his baby tub) a few weeks ago. He really likes splashing around in there but also likes leaning forward and putting his face in/drinking the water...hopefully the novelty of that wears off soon!

And a brothers tidbit...a sweet little "game" has developed between Kyle and Luke. I now put Luke in the Pack 'n Play after meals (so if he spits up, it's contained and not on the rug). And Luke discovered that it's fun to throw his toys out of the Pack 'n Play onto the floor, knowing Kyle will pick them up for him. And sure enough, Kyle runs over saying "he needs help" and hands the toys back to him. Very cute :)

Here are some pictures of Kyle's first day, as well as some other recent ones...

Hardy Visit

We had a great visit yesterday afternoon with the Hardy clan! Luke and Matthew were able to strengthen their BFF status, and Kyle had fun playing on his "little tiny playground" with Kaelyn and Madelyn. But what Kyle REALLY enjoyed was the pizza (he ate 3 slices, according to a somewhat appalled Kaelyn). Such a cute, sweet little crew, those Hardy kids. And of course Er too, who Kyle was very clearly calling "Erica". Not sure where that came from, because I NEVER call her that, except of course when we're in a huge fight ;)

Happy 1st Birthday Pooks!

Hard to believe, but my sweet little Pooks turned 1 today! I got him a small cake, mostly for Kyle's benefit since he now "gets" that you have cake on birthdays, and he also (FINALLY) gets that cake is yummy. So unlike his last 2 birthdays, Kyle will actually be eating his birthday cake this year!

As you can see in the pictures (thanks to Grammy for being the photographer), Luke loved smearing it all around and getting good and messy. He did try a little bit but was definitely more interested in playing with it than eating it.

Kyle sang to him at various times today. But the best was this morning...I usually send Kyle into Luke's room when he first wakes up and he sings "Good Morning to Lukey Pookie". But this morning he went in, turned on the light, and sang "Happy Birthday". Luke was so happy and I WISH I had gotten a video of this sweet little exchange, but of course I didn't :(

Happy, happy birthday my sweet little boy...you are such a joy and blessing :)

My Hero, My Savior, My Mommy

Yes, my mom has TRULY been my savior these last few weeks. And as I blogged last night for the first time in almost a month, I realized how long overdue this post is. As anyone knows who has had even a casual conversation with me recently, feeding Luke is VERY challenging. He just REALLY does not like to eat. And of all the difficulties in my life, this is the one thing that was really pushing me to a bad place. It was starting to adversely affect my parenting as a whole, not to mention my overall sanity.

So that's where Grammy stepped in, or I should say "stepped up". For the last few weeks, most days Grammy has been feeding Luke BOTH lunch and dinner! And she has had great success, almost always getting his whole meal in him. But this (along with the pictures below of him looking super-happy about eating) is very misleading. While Grammy does have a wonderful knack for keeping his meals light and fun, it is VERY hard work. It requires a constant barrage of "props" (things to distract him such as extra spoons, wax paper, lids, etc) and other silly antics, all while defending against his trademark spoon swipe and (albeit playfully) swiping at her face!

Her help has given me one of the hugest lifts possible. And as a result, I feel like I have been a much better mom to both Kyle and Luke. And Luke is definitely getting WAY more much-needed calories in him than if I were going it alone, because I was just running out of the time/patience/energy required to get through each meal, and I was beginning to feel like it was just an impossible task (I have quite seriously compared Grammy's feeding heroics to summiting Mount Everest!).

So thank you, thank you, THANK YOU Grammy. All three of us are in a much better place because of your VERY much appreciated efforts :)

Fun with Nonnie

Kyle and Luke had a great visit with Nonnie today. My boys are very blessed to have two fun, healthy, young-at-heart, loving grandmothers in their lives :)

HBN!! (Happy Birthday Nonnie)

We had a nice visit with Nonnie today. Kyle didn't give her the warmest of greetings though...he promptly demanded a timeout (as he does when things don't go his way), and then he told her to go play with Luke. But he quickly snapped out of it when Nonnie gave him some new sailboats for his water table, which he had fun "capsizing". And Luke didn't require any warming up...he was all smiles right when he saw her :)

And Nonnie's birthday is Friday, so Kyle and I have been talking about it a lot, and singing the Happy Birthday song, and talking about how we'd have cake, which Kyle was very excited about! But when push came to shove, he couldn't pull the trigger...he demanded a timeout instead of eating cake. He did eventually sing to Nonnie as she ate her cake and he drank some water.

After dinner, both boys enjoyed Nonnie pushing them in their swings, and Kyle (and especially Benson!) liked having her read a few bedtime stories. Oh, and the big news is that Nonnie got 4, yes 4, bites of food in Luke tonight...yipee! And I'm not being sarcastic...this was quite an accomplishment with the way his feedings went today. Let's just say that he definitely burned more calories fighting the food than he took in today. And there's even proof of Nonnie's feat, as you'll see in the pictures...

What's Been Happening...

So here's a little update on what's been happening around here lately. First Kyle. His big excitement the last few weeks was the arrival of his new swingset (or "little tiny playground" as he calls it). He definitely likes it, but in typical Kyle fashion hasn't really "let loose" with it yet. He likes playing in his "downstairs fort", and he'll go down the slide (but in a very cautious/weird/sideways position), and he LOVES when I push him and Luke next to eachother in the swings. He also really likes playing with his water table, and pushing around his new lawnmower, and just running around the yard now that we have grass!

Overall, I feel like I'm in a somewhat better place with him these days. I've really tried to find effective tools/strategies to fend off those awful, miserable spells he was having. One thing that has definitely helped is the new timer I bought...it's an old-school 60 minute analog timer that turns red when you move the timer hand (so if you set it for 20 minutes, the space between 0 and 20 would be red). I primarily use this for meals, like when he'd be demanding dinner at 4:15. I now have something tangible to default to instead of "too early"...now I can say "dinner when the red is all gone". And he definitely understands the concept of it and likes watching the red get smaller and smaller. So that's the scoop with Kyle. And his favorite activity is still "playing" with Luke :)

Now for Luke. I'll start with the negative, which I'm sure you have already guessed. He just REALLY does not like to eat or drink! I'll try to leave it at that, but it is just so hard and feels like it consumes my entire life...I'm always either trying to feed him, or trying to think of new ways to interest him in eating. But he does show some preferences, which is a good thing. And contrary to what I would expect, he definitely prefers non-sweet food...he takes the veggie/meat jars much easier these days than he takes the sweet fruit ones. And even though he isn't 12 months yet, I have started trying to give him cow's milk. I talked to the nutritionist and for the few ounces that he may drink a day, she said it's absolutely fine. And I'm encouraged because he actually seems to like milk, even though he doesn't drink very much of it (probably only 3ish ounces the entire day). Maybe he knows he's not one yet and shouldn't have it so is holding back :)

And as of about a month ago, my illustrious nursing career came to a merciful end! He clearly wanted to be done with it months ago, but I was still waking him up a couple times at night to do it (when he was too half-asleep to realize what he was doing). I kept this up because it was the only way he'd get liquids (other than through food). But it got to the point where he was barely taking any so it just didn't feel worth interrupting both our night sleeps for it. And once I stopped, he started sleeping 12 hrs straight through at night (as he's probably wanted to do for a while). And I'm actually able to get a pretty normal night's sleep now too, which is WONDERFUL!

I did have Luke evaluated by Early Intervention a couple weeks ago for his eating issues and overall slightly delayed development. And he does qualify for services, although they felt he was within the realm of normal for everything which was good to hear (I had also brought him to the UMASS Pediatric Feeding Clinic last month where a team of specialist observed him and they saw no physical/developmental issues that could be causing his eating issues, with was also great to hear). So anyway, an OT with feeding experience has been assigned to him through Early Intevention, and I'm REALLY hoping she can help us move forward with the eating/drinking.

But Luke is certainly moving forward with everything else on his own! He sits up well now, readily goes from sitting to crawling and vice versa, and is becoming more vocal. He's also been getting up on his knees a lot lately, wanting to stand. And as of today (on our Skype with Nonnie), he is pretty regularly pulling himself up to standing! I looked back in my journal and this is basically the same age as Kyle was when he started pulling himself up (Luke might have him beat by a couple weeks). I think Kyle was probably stronger at his age, but Luke is definitely more motivated! I call him my little rascal. When he wants something, he finds a way to get it, and he has a good nose for what he shouldn't have and that's what he goes for! But he is just so darn cute :)

Here are some pictures from the last few weeks...

Father's Day

The concept of Father's Day breaks my heart, as it seems to throw in my face all that my boys are missing out on in life, growing up without a father. And it also breaks my heart thinking of the 50+ years of being a dad that Jared was robbed of. He truly loved and appreciated being a dad more than anyone, and was so good at it. It just breaks my heart beyond words thinking of all that he and our boys will never experience in life. But I am so happy that he did get to experience those 1.5 yrs of being a dad, and had the thrill of knowing our second child was on the way, and got to enjoy one Father's Day as a dad. Needless to say, today had the makings of being a pretty down day. But I had a few nice surprises that provided some much-needed lifts.

First, I had a great chat with Ca, hearing all about their fun week in Nantucket. Chats with Ca always brighten my day :) And then Grammy and Nance stopped over after a walk, and Grammy fed Luke his lunch (while Nance played with Kyle and I watered my planting beds). This gave me a much-needed break from that whole feeding nightmare! And Grammy had a MUCH easier time with it than I've been having...I tried her "vitamin bottle trick" at dinner and also had a much easier time...hopefully we're on to something!

And then Er and adorable baby Matthew (Luke's BFF, who is just 1 month younger than he) stopped over for a fun little surprise visit and brought yummy eggplant parm and pasta salad for dinner, which was a wonderful and unexpected treat. As you'll see in the photos, Kyle enjoyed the visit too and wanted in on the baby action, rolling/crawling/snuggling with them :) In one of the pictures, it looks like Er is even trying to show them a few moves! Visits with Er also always brighten my day :)

I took the boys to the cemetery this afternoon after their naps. I don't really feel like Jared is any more physically there than anywhere else, but I like that there's a tangible place I can bring our boys to help provide a connection to their wonderful father as they grow up. Kyle liked putting pine cones, sticks, leaves and rocks on the "special stone". Hopefully Jared was able to feel our infinite love and appreciation today. And I also hope my dad felt our presence and love there today too...he sacrificed so much to make the best life possible for his family, which epitomizes what it means to be a dad.

PS: And for those who are wondering, Kyle slept until 5:20am this morning, not 7am :( And his late night seems to have screwed him up a bit, as he was still in there fussing almost two hours after I put him down tonight, which is very out of character. I've already been in there a couple times :(

Fun Dinner Visit

We had a nice visit today with Nonnie, Auntie Jayne, Great Grampy and Uncle Mike, eating dinner outside at Great Grampy's country club. Kyle's highlights included: trying to stuff an entire dinner roll in his mouth in one bite, eating in general, checking out all the golfcarts ("like that golfcart"), escaping into the ceremony area of an outdoor wedding that was underway, walking around with Nonnie, and did I mention eating?

Luke's at a tough age for excursions like this, because he doesn't really like sitting or being held but there's no place for him to crawl around. And we all know that occupying him with eating/drinking is out of the question, so he was a little antsy but overall did well. He especially liked hanging out with his Auntie Jayne :) And I especially liked Auntie Jayne hanging out with him while I ate my meal :)

It was already past their bedtime by the time we left, and Kyle's overtiredness definitely caught up with him on the drive home. Despite having his video on, he just kept REPEATEDLY screaming/crying about the same very irrational things: "want breakfast", "want Luke on rug", and lots of "want to go back to that [fill in the blank...yellow car, big truck, bulldozer, bridge, or whatever else we happened to pass on the highway that he wanted to see more of]". Luke kept trying to doze but was continuously jolted out of sleep by Kyle's yelling.

So by the time I got Luke fed (an abridged version of his dinner because I didn't have the usual 1+ hr to feed him!) and got them ready for bed, it was 8:30, which is a full two hours past their usual bedtime. So of course this means that Kyle's normal (horrible!) 5am wake-up time will be 7am tomorrow morning, right? I wish, but for some reason with kids (or at least my kids), late to bed usually means up even earlier. But it sure would be wonderful if he proved me wrong tomorrow!

Surprise!

The boys and I had fun surprising Nonnie at her school today! We walked all around visiting her various teacher friends. Kyle wasn't quite as into the walking-through-the-hallways part as last year. When it turned into a full-blown meltdown, it was time to bring out the big guns...a piece of plain whole wheat bread, which immediately snapped him out of it. Of course!?

And then Kyle discovered some toy trucks in the admin office area, which he enjoyed playing with. He did NOT enjoy when one the middle school boys tried to get a high five out of him...he is VERY stingy with those!

Once we got outside, Kyle was a very happy camper. He loved watching all the school buses (while holding his little school bus which he brought in his backpack), and he had fun walking all around with Nonnie. And as usual, Luke was just his laid-back easy self.

And this was by far the easiest car experience of the 3 years I've done this (even though it was the first year with two of them). Unlike the last two years, Kyle didn't scream the entire drive! Plus it was only 2 hrs each way (not 3 hrs like the other years driving up from CT). Kyle just watched his video and talked about all the big trucks around us (of course he had a few screaming fits, but nothing sustained). And he and Luke both took "car naps" (borrowing their cousins' terminology) on the way home. Only for about 45 minutes but I was pleasantly surprised.

I was also pleasantly surprised by the new double-lane Fast Lane underpasses on I95, where the speed limit remains 65mph so you don't have to slow down. Makes a LOT of sense, and is especially appreciated when you have two napping kids in the car who surely would wake up from slowing down at a toll booth.

Side Note...when I was feeding Luke tonight, I noticed that his first tooth has poked through...yay Pooks! Hopefully this explains his COMPLETE lack of interest in eating lately!

Birthday with my Boys

Ever since Alex and Rachel's birthday party, Kyle will randomly break into song with "Happy Birthday Alex and Rachel" (and this is the only song he's ever sang...he usually gets mad if I try to get him to sing!). So I was able to get him to sing "Happy Birthday" to me throughout the day today, which of course brightened my day. It was cute...he kept starting to sing with Alex and Rachel's names, but then he'd correct himself without my prompting and add "Mumma". Here's a rendition where he tried to get Luke in on the action too...


I was really hoping to get a good picture of Kyle and Luke together today, as a little birthday treat. And as you can see from the slideshow, I got LOTS of good ones...I think I'll just order a case of picture frames, because it will be too hard to choose which ones to enlarge and frame :)

And my other more lofty goal was to get a good picture of me with my boys. Hopefully I'll have some frames leftover to display these winners...


All kidding aside, I have always valued photos. But that feeling has grown exponentially this past year. I am so thankful that I have so many good pictures of Jared with Kyle, and of our 15 years together. It is sometimes a hassle to take the pictures, but I treasure my photos of him more than anything and I am so thankful that I have so many to show our boys. And someday, I hope to get a good picture of me with my boys. But as you can see from the above photos, I think that day is a long ways off!

Fun with Nonnie!

Army Crawler

Luke is starting to shift from rolling to a modified army crawl, as his preferred means of transportation. He's very determined when he sees something he wants! He seems much more motivated to be mobile than Kyle was at this age. I have a feeling that, unlike Kyle, Luke is going to be into EVERYTHING!

And a cute little Kyle story...he is REALLY good about timeouts. The three of us were snuggling on my bed this morning. Then Kyle started jumping right next to Luke's head, which was making me nervous. So I told him to stop. He didn't stop, so I said, "that's it, you're going to have a timeout". Before I could get up, he excitedly hopped off the bed and ran down to his timeout chair saying "timeout, no jumping". Once in the chair, he started doing his typical timeout protest yelling (even though he's the one who put himself there!). Interesting child he is :)

Weaning Woes

So Luke is most definitely weaning himself. Except for once or twice in the middle of the night when he's half asleep, he now cries and turns away as soon as we assume the nursing position and won't do it at all. For the last week, he literally hasn't nursed at all between the hours of 4am and 10pm. Weaning at this point would be great, because nursing him has been pretty much a nightmare since Day 1. But there's one problem...he's weaning himself to nothing. He won't take a bottle or sippy cup. And the bulk of his calories at this age should still be breastmilk/formula (24-32 oz/day...he's probably getting about 12 oz total, between the night feedings and cereal mixed with breastmilk/formula during the day).

I've even been pumping to try to entice him with a familiar taste in the cup (and to keep up my supply for the middle of the night feedings, since that is currently my only means of hydrating him). But he just wants nothing to do with it. It's ironic, because he wants to suck on anything/everything (fingers, toys, books, my face, etc) EXCEPT for anything that contains fluid. Tonight before bed, I spent about 45 minutes working with him on a sippy cup...and after all that, he had taken a whopping 1/2 ounce.

I know everyone thinks I'm overreacting and being over-dramatic about this, and that there should be some easy solution. But there's not. It truly consumes every ounce of emotional energy (and time) that I have. It is just an indescribably frustrating, exhausting, upsetting, defeating feeling to not be able to adequately nourish my baby, and to worry about the effects it's having on his long-term growth/development. And it just feels that much more impossible going through it alone. I miss Jared's emotional support so much, especially when dealing with issues surrounding our boys. There is no doubt that if he were here, he would just take charge of this transition to a cup so that I could get some much-needed separation from it. He was so patient and capable, and just overall much better equipped to handle stuff like this than I am.

I did talk to the UMASS pediatric feeding clinic again and they told me I can ramp up the solids to try to at least compensate for some of the calories and try to boost his weight gain a bit. I was happy to hear this because he's been doing better with solids (jars, yogurt, cereal). But they still stressed the importance of fluids, although didn't have any magic solutions. So I will just keep working on it with him and hope that he eventually gives in to dehydration. I ordered a bunch more different types of sippy cups to try too. We shall see. Hopefully my next post will have some good news to report, like that he's drinking 30 oz of formula from a sippy cup every day and sleeping through the night. Very wishful thinking. I know I sound like a negative loser about this, but it's just really, really hard.

Kyle demanded a "photo shoot" tonight with Luke, and of the 50ish pictures I took, this is the only one where all 4 of their eyes are open and they look reasonably happy/normal. It always strikes me in pictures of them together how VERY different they look from each other. I can't say that I see any resemblance whatsoever...very different hair, eyes, mouths, ears, head shape, etc. But they certainly do love each other. And Kyle certainly is ALL Jared :)

Happy Easter!

We had a nice Easter today. Grammy made a delicious meal and the kids had fun playing with their Easter Bunny loot. Alex and Rachel especially were off-the-wall excited, cute and fun :) They were REALLY excited to see Marti too, who they hadn't seen in a while.

For the most part, Kyle was a bit more "low key" about things, enjoying opening his eggs and then putting his new cars back in them over and over again (and running around with his cousins too!). And in typical Lukey Pookie fashion, he was just content taking it all in.

As always, a "happy" day like today is just so hard. It slams me with all that Jared and our boys are missing out on in life. Jared loved gatherings like this and his presence is just so sadly missed.

The Good, The Bad, and The Weird

Here's a little summary for you...

KYLE
The Good: He has become VERY snuggly with me lately, always wanting to hug Mumma. And he even gets sad and cries now when he or I leave! I love this new, long-overdue clinginess and separation anxiety :) And it should be noted that he no longer looks like Justin Beiber (I have no idea who Justin Beiber is or what he looks like, but I always hear his name when describing shaggy/unkempt hair so I figure it's appropriate)...I gave him a home haircut last night and, for a first attempt, it actually came out pretty good!

The Bad: He basically doesn't nap anymore. And wakes up for the day in the early 6's. Bad. Very bad.

The Weird: I cut his toenails for LITERALLY the first time ever this week, after over 2.5 years of virtual non-growth. And I didn't even have to cut all of them. I cut his fingernails every week or two. But for some reason, his toenails do not grow. Hopefully this is normal.

LUKE
The Good: Overall, I have felt much better about him this past month. He has seemed to kind of "come alive". He's more motivated to do stuff, like rolling around with purpose (to get something he wants). He also seems to be making attempts to raise his tummy and get up on all fours like he wants to crawl. And he's becoming a bit more vocal (started making "da" and "ga" sounds). These are all good "developmental developments".

The Bad: His cold (and his inability to nurse when stuffed up) has completely erased that 1.5 month stretch of better weight gain. He is still off-and-on stuffy 3 weeks later, and he's lost weight during this stretch. Very upsetting. This is the precise reason I've been so paranoid about germs around him...he just doesn't have any margin of error when it comes to gaining weight. I'll leave it at that, but it is truly pushing me to the brink of my sanity.

The Weird: He loves scratching/clawing my face. And he does it with a big, devilish grin :) He actually made my gum bleed the other day when he somehow scratched the inside my mouth.

ME
The Good: I hired a cleaning lady and they did their initial 5 hr cleaning Saturday! I don't feel like the house really gets that dirty, where it's new and I'm very organized/clutter-free. But dusting and vacuuming still need to be done and I just do not have the time or energy to do it myself. And I REALLY like a clean house. So I think this will be money very well spent. Also, they are spreading the topsoil and doing the final grade, so we should have the start of a lawn within the next couple weeks. Can't wait. Not looking forward to the daily waterings though.

The Bad: See Luke's "The Bad"

The Weird: Despite regular waterings, I seem to have virtually killed all but a couple of the 16 air-filtering hanging ivy plants that I bought to absorb all the new house toxins. Yet I still spend a couple hours every weekend watering the "carcasses", a task I DREAD. Why?! I think it's time to put them (and me) out of our misery.

And a "good" for all of us was a fun visit/playdate with Kim, Evan and Sophia this morning!

Fun Visit

We had a nice visit with the Ruggiero side of the family today (4 generations were represented!). Kyle had his usual ups and downs, but he liked reading his new potty book with Nonnie, having a crawling contest with Uncle Mike, holding/bouncing his new superball from Auntie Jayne, and saying that Great Grampy was in timeout when he was sitting in the leather chair (where Kyle does his timeouts). And Luke and Emily were really tight...Luke loved watching her and trying to grab/claw her face :)

Oh, a big breakthrough to report...Kyle finally had fun playing with his little basketball hoop today! Up until now, he has refused to play with it, probably because he senses how much I want him to like basketball so of course he wants nothing to do with it. But I think I gave him the choice of "Mumma do dishes" or "Mumma play basketball with Kyle". He chose the latter and was SO proud when he made a basket and we all cheered. I've never seen him so proud before, looking around at each of us for our reaction...it was adorable :)

Hopefully both boys will sleep well tonight after all the excitement today!

Naps, Playgrounds, etc

With a two year old and 7 month old, you'd think it would be pretty reasonable to expect at least 30 minutes each afternoon when they'd both be napping. But that's not the case with my kids. I know I sound like a broken record about naps, but this is just one of the most frustrating aspects of my life right now (especially since I'm still up every few hours at night with Luke so am very sleep-deprived). I feel like the stars need to align to get this little tiny kid-free window in the afternoon, because it happens so rarely. Yesterday, Kyle didn't nap at all (and promptly woke up Luke with his screaming). And today, Luke decided to nap for only 20 minutes (and promptly woke up Kyle, who naps SO lightly).

Ever since Jared died, I have struggled with my "coping strategy" for life's smaller challenges (like short/no naps). Before, I was always able to put things in perspective by stepping back and looking at the big picture, and recognizing how blessed I was with everything that truly mattered in life. But I no longer have that perspective and find these daily frustrations just seem to make my big picture perspective that much more difficult. And I no longer have Jared to talk to and vent about little stuff like this, as well as my bigger worries/concerns about our boys. It's just really hard.

And everything always seems worse on the weekends, when I can't help but to picture how things would have been. I used to love our family time more than anything. Especially this time of year with the start of the baseball season, March Madness, warmer weather, etc. I just miss sharing my life with him so much. I miss playing with Kyle together, I miss watching him play with Kyle, I miss listening to music together, I miss falling asleep next to him every night and waking up next to him every morning, I miss watching sports/movies together, I miss eating meals together, I miss playing games together, I miss taking walks together, and most of all I just miss talking and laughing with him. I just miss him. I miss being a family. Weekends especially feel so empty and lonely without him.

But I know I still have a lot to be thankful for in life. I love my boys more than anything in the world. And I have the most supportive mom and sister (and brother-in-law), who do SO much for me and help fill the companionship void in my life. But absolutely nothing can come close to filling the heartbreaking void that Jared has left in my life. I just miss him so much, and that only seems to grow stronger with time.

To end on a happier note, Kyle and Luke both enjoyed a new activity today...snuggling together in Kyle's crib! It was VERY cute, especially the way Kyle snuggles right up to him, and the way Luke just watches him with such adoration. They definitely love eachother...see below :)


And I took them to the playground (actually 2 different playgrounds) this afternoon. I was reminded how PAINFUL it is to watch Kyle "in action". "In action" for him at the playground is sitting at the top of the slide looking shell-shocked saying "slide too big", unable to psyche himself up to go down. VERY cautious little boy. Nonnie got to see this firsthand on Skype (on my iPhone).

He was causing a big logjam on the slide at the first playground, because he didn't understand about letting the more adventurous kids go around him (most of whom looked much younger than he!). So that's why we went to a second, smaller playground...no one was there so there was no pressure. He could sit at the top as long as he wanted! He did go down once (with lots of coaxing), said he wanted to do it again, but couldn't quite pull the trigger. I eventually had to climb up myself and carry him back down because he was too afraid to go down either the slide or the steps. I like that he's cautious, but he needs to find a happy medium and be able to let loose and enjoy fun things...must work on this!

30

Yes, 30 is the magic number today. Kyle is 30 months old and Luke is 30 week old. And I am 30 years old! Close enough. In honor of this, I thought I would list some positive things about each of them (I feel like I sound so negative sometimes).

So here are Kyle's top 5:

1) He's a REALLY good/easy/healthy eater. He will eat anything/everything and seems to enjoy it all (broccoli, spinach, you name it). And he's a very tidy little eater, which is a bonus. His eating reminds me so much of Jared, who had a big appetite and was always so appreciative of any food he was served, even if it was boring/blah. Like Jared, Kyle says "thanks Mumma" before he takes his first bite, although Jared didn't call me Mumma ;)

2) He doesn't get into anything that isn't his. Literally! I can very confidently take a shower or nurse Luke with the door shut and know that Kyle will not get into mischief. Of course he's two and is capable of anything, but I would be SHOCKED if I came out and found a kitchen cabinet emptied on the floor or anything of the like. It's just not how he's wired.

3) Since the couple nights that we let him "cry it out" when he was 6 months old, he has slept through the night with no blips. We've literally NEVER had to go in there in the night over these last two years. And I can put him down as early as 6pm and he goes to bed happily. No elaborate bedtime routine...just brush teeth, fresh diaper, jammies and a hug.

4) He's VERY adaptable, which is so fortunate considering all he's been through this past year...losing his father, two moves, a new brother, etc. Like Jared, he very much lives in the moment. He happily goes for sleepovers at his cousins' house (and fortunately is well-behaved over there!). He doesn't get sad or upset when he and I are separated, which is great especially considering I've been home with him since birth...you'd think he'd be a little more attached :-\

5) He LOVES Luke and is such a sweet big bro :)

Here's Kyle's 30 month (a.k.a. 2.5 year) photo:

Now for Luke's top 5:

1) He's the sweetest, easiest, most content little baby.

2) He's finally starting to gain well (although feeding him solids continues to be a REAL struggle).

3) He's perfectly content playing in his crib or on his playmat by himself. Note, independent play was NOT listed in Kyle's top 5 :)

4) He's never fussy. Literally!

5) He's adorable :)

Here's Luke's 30 week photo:

It feels good to step back and recognize/express their positive qualities, because it's so easy to get consumed with the challenges. My life is far from the happy, content, fulfilling life I once had. But I am blessed with two very precious little boys, and being the best mom possible to them is and must always remain my focus.

I Give Up

You win Kyle. I am done driving myself insane trying to get you to take a good nap. Your walls have soundproof insulation, your windows have light-blocking blinds and blackout curtains, you have a white noise machine. Beyond that, I'm not sure what else I can do to make your room more conducive to sleep. So I am done, since all my efforts are clearly in vain. Thanks for the 20 to 40 minute break from you that you generously give me every afternoon. It's almost enough time to sit down and have a cup of coffee. But could you please not scream angrily at the top of your lungs the second you wake up? Your brother enjoys his afternoon nap, although you are doing everything in your power to change that.

Yes, I am bitter, but it's just REALLY frustrating. Especially since I know he is capable of taking a good nap (like the 2+ hr naps he consistently takes in Westborough). And he certainly does not wake up rested and happy...far from it. And he's only 2!

To make matters worse, he's just in this horrible phase with me right now where he is pretty much miserable whenever I'm in sight. I can't get him to play with me...he just wants to order me around and constantly demand food, milk, and TV, all of which I limit. It's a very strange dynamic and I REALLY hope it is short-lived. He's great/happy with other people, but not me. Very strange. So my days with him are VERY long and sadly I'm always looking forward to my next break from him (when he goes to Grammy's or Ca's).

He napped less than 20 minutes today so will be going to bed around 5:30 tonight. Putting him to bed early is the only way I can get him to catch up on his sleep, since it never happens during naps and he won't sleep past 6:15am (soon to be 7:15...YAY!).

I love you to pieces Kyle, but a 2 hr (or even 1 hr) nap would do absolute wonders for both of us. PLEASE???

Thanks Uncle Jon!

As you can see, Luke is very excited and would like to thank Uncle Jon for the great redesign of this blog, that has finally included him after 6+ months on this earth! He was starting to get a "Kyle, Kyle, Kyle" complex :)

One Year Reflection

One year ago tonight, my world was forever shattered. Even though Jared survived those 12 days in the hospital, March 3rd was the final day of our life together, since he never regained consciousness.

Before he left for basketball that night, we had our nightly “family snuggle” as we called it (that was our bedtime ritual with Kyle, where the three of us would sit on the couch with the lights dimmed snuggling, giving Kyle lots of love/giggles…this was my absolute favorite time of the day). And then Jared brought him up to bed and most certainly kissed him and said “I love you Kyle”, as he did every night before he put him in his crib.

And I still remember our final conversation that night before he left. It was about the kitchen cabinets for our new house. They accidentally ordered the wrong color (which happened to be our 2nd choice), so we were debating keeping them at a substantial discount or waiting another month for them to reorder the correct color. Seemed like a big decision at the time but it makes me sick thinking back on it now, and how completely unimportant it was in the grand scheme of life. As always, he kissed me goodbye before he left and said “I love you”. That night, and my complete happiness and contentment in life, feel like a lifetime ago.

Even a year later, I still have to block out those final 12 days in the hospital, as they are just too painful to process and relive. But here is a summary of where I’m at in the healing process:

• To say that I miss Jared is the most ridiculous understatement. It is impossible to articulate the depth of this emotion. My pain/sadness hasn’t lessened any yet, but I guess I have learned how to live with it. I just miss him, and everything about our life together, and the future that we will never have together, so painfully much.

• I am constantly reminded how all the things that made me happy in life were centered around him. I absolutely loved our marriage, and the strength, stability and companionship that it provided. He was truly my best friend and I felt so incredibly blessed to have found him. I know that no one is perfect, but Jared was truly my perfect husband….I wouldn’t have changed a thing about him. Literally. And I wouldn’t trade our 15 yrs together for anything in the world.

• Sharing our love of Kyle was the most incredible, joyous, best experience of my life. I miss that so much. Raising our boys without him just feels so empty. And I worry about them so much, especially Luke because of all he’s been through. I never used to be a worrier, but I worry because I don’t think I could handle anything being wrong with them.

• I still cry every day. And I was someone who almost never cried before this tragedy. I can control my crying better now, but the tears are always just right there.

• It makes me so sad to think of all the life that he is missing out on. He loved being a dad more than anything, and it breaks my heart that he only had 18 months of it. He would have been in his absolute element raising two boys.

• It still rips my heart out like nothing else when I think of our boys growing up without him. I know they will grow up with lots of love, but they are going to miss out on such an important, irreplaceable part of life…feeling the constant, unwavering love, support and guidance of a father. And not just any father, but truly the best father one could have. But they will absolutely grow up knowing what an incredible man he was and will feel proud to be his sons.

• I still can’t let Kyle see pictures of him. The thought of him seeing a picture of him and wondering where he went is more than I can handle. I know he probably doesn’t think this way. But I have had very disturbing dreams of this, where he sees a picture and cries out “why did you leave me Daddy”. I hope to overcome this soon, because of course I want him (them) to see/feel his presence as much as possible.

• Without Jared, my days just all run together. I no longer get to look forward to hanging out with my best friend every night and weekend. And I no longer get the emotional lift of him calling/emailing from work during the day, wanting to hear about Kyle. I just have long, exhausting days with the boys, and sad, empty evenings alone. I cherish my evening visits with friends (most of all Ca), as they help break up the monotony and loneliness.

• Despite my months of sleep-deprivation, falling asleep at night continues to be extremely difficult. It still just feels so wrong/sad lying in bed without him. Thank goodness for audiobooks, my non-medicinal sleep aid.

• Watching/following sports used to be my favorite hobby. But the thought of doing this without Jared makes me sick. It was something we did together and like everything else, it would feel so wrong without him. Same thing with TV and movies…I haven’t watched any of either since he died.

• I need music in my life, but I’ve had to find all new stuff to listen to (oddly enough, Joan Baez has been my favorite newcomer). Music from my “old life” brings back so many intensely wonderful memories, which I am not yet ready to handle/embrace.

• I am thankful to have felt very emotionally stable since Day 1 (especially since I’ve been pregnant/nursing the whole time and wouldn’t have been able to take anything anyway). As I’ve said, if any aspect of his death felt even remotely preventable, I would probably be living in a mental hospital. Fortunately, that wasn’t the case. So my grief has always felt very uncomplicated. It doesn’t make me miss him any less, but it allowed me to very quickly accept it and find peace.

• I have been able to (very easily) experience joy and happiness throughout this year. But it all just feels somewhat muted. When something is fun/funny/happy/good, it somehow just magnifies what is missing. So everything good is also very bittersweet.

• I am so thankful that we got pregnant with Luke when we did, and that I was safely into the less-risky 2nd trimester when it happened. The thought of Kyle growing up without a father or siblings is really, really sad. I am so glad that they’ll have each other. And I’m so glad that neither of them will have an emotional scar from this. They will have the generic pain/sadness of not having a father, but not the actual trauma of the loss had they been older when it happened.

• I was recently reminded of all I have accomplished this past year (thanks Ca), which made me feel good: Returned to work full-time, packed up and sold our CT house, finished/sold our MA house (after one failed closing), bought land, designed/built another house, handled the (sometimes daily) deluge of frustrating/upsetting paperwork and phone calls (re: health insurance, life insurance, legal issues, banking, out of state move, etc.), moved twice, made it through the final 6 months of pregnancy, had Luke and battled through very difficult nursing issues while averaging about 4 hrs of broken sleep per night and also trying to be the best mom possible to Kyle (some days I’m better at this than others). But as I’ve said, busy is good and all of this has definitely helped get me through the year.

• Even though I made all my housing decisions at the lowest point in my life, I have no regrets. It would have felt too wrong/sad to live in the house that Jared and I designed/built together. And buying an existing house would have felt like settling after custom-building the last two houses. I absolutely love my new house/neighborhood and feel like it will be as perfect for me and my boys as anything can be under the circumstances.

• My two precious little boys fill my life with such joy and purpose. It's tough raising them alone, but I feel SO incredibly blessed to have them. And Jared truly lives on through them…I see it every day in Kyle, and also hope to see it in Luke as he gets older.

• I couldn’t have gotten through this last year without my mom and sister. There are no words to thank them for all they have done (and continue to do) for me and my boys, on SO many levels. I feel so incredibly blessed to have them. Their love and support have helped get me through the darkest days of my life.

My overall feelings haven’t changed since Day 1…I just miss him so painfully much and am heartbroken that our boys will grow up without him. He has left such a huge, sad void in our family, one that will never be filled. I really hope his spirit is with us, able to feel the love and joy of our boys, but not all the pain and sadness. He was truly the best person I have ever and will ever know. I loved him (and will always love him) with all my heart.

Fun with Nonnie!

Kyle and Luke had a great visit with Nonnie today! Kyle was surprised/excited to have her retrieve him from his nap (I never tell him anything in advance, because he doesn't understand the concept of time and thinks that everything should happen IMMEDIATELY).

Kyle and Nonnie had fun building a cars lineup, looking at books together, and playing with my iPhone (Nonnie was impressed with how adeptly Kyle navigates it!). He had a little meltdown when he wanted dinner at 4pm and was denied, but he eventually came around and ended the visit on a pleasant note. And Luke was just his usual happy, along-for-the-ride self. Happy 6 month birthday Pookie!!

Brotherly Love

Some Recent Pics...

This will probably be my last post for a while, since my move is slated for this weekend and I'm sure it will take some time before blogging is high enough on my endless to-do list! So here are some recent pictures of the boys to hold you over...

And I don't want to jinx it, but I feel like Luke MAY be turning a corner in the nursing department. He's had a couple good days and I am SO HOPING that this continues (and that it leads to better weight gain). And I've also started trying to get him to sleep for the night around 7pm, like Kyle. He's still wakes every couple hours to nurse, but I would like to establish the 7 to 7ish timeframe, to set the stage for letting him cry-it-out when he starts gaining better. I absolutely CAN'T WAIT until both kids go down at 7pm and I have that daily kid-free window. And I REALLY can't wait until Luke sleeps through the night and I get can get more than a couple hours of uninterrupted sleep! I'm hoping my new house will be somewhat of a turning point for me, with things getting a bit more manageable.

Luke is now consistently rolling over from his tummy to his back (he still needs some help going from back to tummy). Here's a video of it...

Running for the bus...

Since Kyle wouldn't demonstrate this yesterday for Nonnie and Jayne, I took a video of Kyle "running for the bus" with his backpack on...

Visit with Nonnie and Auntie Jayne!

We had a great visit with Nonnie and Auntie Jayne today. Kyle had his typical 2 yr old "mood swings" when things didn't go his way, but he definitely enjoyed the visit. He very proudly grabbed his prized yellow car when Auntie Jayne arrived (which she gave him for his birthday). And he really liked saying "I love you" to Nonnie...and I think Nonnie enjoyed it just a little bit too ;)

And Luke took a great (rare!) 3.5 hr nap today so was very well-rested for the visit. Jayne put it best...Luke's a good sport. He just goes with the flow and takes it all in. And he was MUCH more accommodating with photos than his brother!

And thanks to both Nonnie and Jayne for all the generous, thoughtful gifts! Kyle LOVED opening them (including Luke's), but then was quick to say "want more", as he looked at the stack. And also thanks to Grammy for providing the delicious meal! Only two more weeks of bumming off Grammy's wonderful hospitality...