Not the best day...

Today was not the best day, and I just feel like I need to vent (and of course have no one to do it to). So I apologize in advance for probably sounding very negative, but sometimes life just feels so hard. It started with being awoken every couple hours throughout the night last night...twice by Kyle (once was hot, the other was thirsty) and twice by Luke (once with a poop, the other with a coughing/crying fit). And then Luke woke up for good at 5:30. So it was one of those nights where I'm not sure that I slept at all, although I'm sure I did a few minutes here and there.

And days after a night like that are generally not good. So I got the boys dressed/bathroom/fed/etc (battle, battle, battle). Then I thought since Luke didn't get much sleep last night that he'd probably want a morning nap. So I put him down and did my exercise. And of course he didn't sleep and screamed through my entire session (and Kyle was yelling that he had to poop throughout). So instead of reaping the cardio benefit, I think it was completely wiped out by what was probably sky-high blood pressure from listening to them screaming and feeling very stressed/guilty about it.

So while my original motivation with starting my exercise program was to keep myself as healthy as possible for my kids (since I'm all they've got), I don't feel like it's benefiting either of us these days. There's just no good window to do it from a kid perspective (except after they go to bed at night, but then I'd never be able to fall asleep). And it's unfortunate because I am the most motivated/committed that I've ever been in my life (I have done my 4 days/week without a miss since I started last July, even through sickness). But I don't feel good about it because generally the kids are (vocally) miserable for that hour of exercise/shower, which of course leaves me feeling stressed and definitely not refreshed like exercise used to make me feel back in the day. But I plan to stick with it and just always try to figure out new ways to make it work. Anyway, I digress...

So then it was time to cut Kyle's hair (battle, battle, battle...awful scene...surprised the neighbors didn't call Child Protective Services with the blood-curdling screams he was letting out!). Then of course it was bath time, since Kyle was covered in hair (battle, battle, battle, more blood-curdling screams while I washed him). Then it was time for Skype with Nonnie, which was cut short when Luke, who was sitting on my lap for a story, whipped his head back really hard and knocked my jaw out of alignment. The pain was intense, and my uncontrollable crying from it was just making it worse since it was tensing my jaw. I couldn't bite down for a while, and then I just forced myself to, felt a pop (which was hopefully a good thing), and it's hurt like heck ever since but at least I can close it.

Then I fed them lunch, and put Luke down for his much-needed nap. And thought I was going to get a MUCH-needed break myself by surprising Kyle with the iPad that Grammy gave us (which was SUPER-awesomely nice of her, as it's something Kyle LOVES playing with it!). He happily/excitedly went in his room with it for a "play nap". Luke had been asleep for about a half hour at this point. And I told Kyle he had to be VERY quiet or else I'd take the iPad away. While of course about 5 minutes into it, he started yelling (frustrated by something). And then 10 minutes or so later, more LOUD frustrated yelling to the point that it woke up Luke (and despite my efforts, he did not go back to sleep).

Ugh, I'm starting to run out of gas with all this negativity, so I'll end with the grand finale...Luke must have aspirated his peas (which he's not very good at swallowing yet, like everything else), because he started coughing at dinner and couldn't stop. And threw up all over himself a few times from it. Big, messy, awful clean-up. And he was still coughing when I put him to bed, so I'm worried there will be more tonight.

So those are the highlights. Not to mention constant nose-wiping (Luke who really needed it but is SO hard to capture/hold for it, and Kyle who wanted it but doesn't actually blow so the tissue was always dry which is very annoying). And the feeling that my interactions with Kyle these days consist solely of constant yelling/threatening/bribing, with pockets of his "scripted" dialogue mixed in.

Days like this just leave me feeling like such an awful parent, and just completely drained. And it's always worse on the weekends, when I can't help but to picture Jared playing with the boys outside (and LOVING it!), or taking them on outings (and LOVING it!), and me getting some kid-free time (and LOVING it!), and me getting to sleep in one morning (and LOVING it!). Blah, blah, blah. I hate when I sound like such a negative loser, but life as an only parent of little, challenging kids is just so hard/exhausting/lonely, and I feel better when I can vent about it. Now back to work...

Wait, let's end on a positive. Hmmm. I know! We did have a very fun half hour playing outside after dinner (with less worry of Luke's near-puke coughing since I would only have to wash him if it happened outside, which thankfully it didn't). What a gorgeous day/evening it was, and I was glad that our day ended on a better note. And as always, tomorrow is a new day.