One Year Reflection

One year ago tonight, my world was forever shattered. Even though Jared survived those 12 days in the hospital, March 3rd was the final day of our life together, since he never regained consciousness.

Before he left for basketball that night, we had our nightly “family snuggle” as we called it (that was our bedtime ritual with Kyle, where the three of us would sit on the couch with the lights dimmed snuggling, giving Kyle lots of love/giggles…this was my absolute favorite time of the day). And then Jared brought him up to bed and most certainly kissed him and said “I love you Kyle”, as he did every night before he put him in his crib.

And I still remember our final conversation that night before he left. It was about the kitchen cabinets for our new house. They accidentally ordered the wrong color (which happened to be our 2nd choice), so we were debating keeping them at a substantial discount or waiting another month for them to reorder the correct color. Seemed like a big decision at the time but it makes me sick thinking back on it now, and how completely unimportant it was in the grand scheme of life. As always, he kissed me goodbye before he left and said “I love you”. That night, and my complete happiness and contentment in life, feel like a lifetime ago.

Even a year later, I still have to block out those final 12 days in the hospital, as they are just too painful to process and relive. But here is a summary of where I’m at in the healing process:

• To say that I miss Jared is the most ridiculous understatement. It is impossible to articulate the depth of this emotion. My pain/sadness hasn’t lessened any yet, but I guess I have learned how to live with it. I just miss him, and everything about our life together, and the future that we will never have together, so painfully much.

• I am constantly reminded how all the things that made me happy in life were centered around him. I absolutely loved our marriage, and the strength, stability and companionship that it provided. He was truly my best friend and I felt so incredibly blessed to have found him. I know that no one is perfect, but Jared was truly my perfect husband….I wouldn’t have changed a thing about him. Literally. And I wouldn’t trade our 15 yrs together for anything in the world.

• Sharing our love of Kyle was the most incredible, joyous, best experience of my life. I miss that so much. Raising our boys without him just feels so empty. And I worry about them so much, especially Luke because of all he’s been through. I never used to be a worrier, but I worry because I don’t think I could handle anything being wrong with them.

• I still cry every day. And I was someone who almost never cried before this tragedy. I can control my crying better now, but the tears are always just right there.

• It makes me so sad to think of all the life that he is missing out on. He loved being a dad more than anything, and it breaks my heart that he only had 18 months of it. He would have been in his absolute element raising two boys.

• It still rips my heart out like nothing else when I think of our boys growing up without him. I know they will grow up with lots of love, but they are going to miss out on such an important, irreplaceable part of life…feeling the constant, unwavering love, support and guidance of a father. And not just any father, but truly the best father one could have. But they will absolutely grow up knowing what an incredible man he was and will feel proud to be his sons.

• I still can’t let Kyle see pictures of him. The thought of him seeing a picture of him and wondering where he went is more than I can handle. I know he probably doesn’t think this way. But I have had very disturbing dreams of this, where he sees a picture and cries out “why did you leave me Daddy”. I hope to overcome this soon, because of course I want him (them) to see/feel his presence as much as possible.

• Without Jared, my days just all run together. I no longer get to look forward to hanging out with my best friend every night and weekend. And I no longer get the emotional lift of him calling/emailing from work during the day, wanting to hear about Kyle. I just have long, exhausting days with the boys, and sad, empty evenings alone. I cherish my evening visits with friends (most of all Ca), as they help break up the monotony and loneliness.

• Despite my months of sleep-deprivation, falling asleep at night continues to be extremely difficult. It still just feels so wrong/sad lying in bed without him. Thank goodness for audiobooks, my non-medicinal sleep aid.

• Watching/following sports used to be my favorite hobby. But the thought of doing this without Jared makes me sick. It was something we did together and like everything else, it would feel so wrong without him. Same thing with TV and movies…I haven’t watched any of either since he died.

• I need music in my life, but I’ve had to find all new stuff to listen to (oddly enough, Joan Baez has been my favorite newcomer). Music from my “old life” brings back so many intensely wonderful memories, which I am not yet ready to handle/embrace.

• I am thankful to have felt very emotionally stable since Day 1 (especially since I’ve been pregnant/nursing the whole time and wouldn’t have been able to take anything anyway). As I’ve said, if any aspect of his death felt even remotely preventable, I would probably be living in a mental hospital. Fortunately, that wasn’t the case. So my grief has always felt very uncomplicated. It doesn’t make me miss him any less, but it allowed me to very quickly accept it and find peace.

• I have been able to (very easily) experience joy and happiness throughout this year. But it all just feels somewhat muted. When something is fun/funny/happy/good, it somehow just magnifies what is missing. So everything good is also very bittersweet.

• I am so thankful that we got pregnant with Luke when we did, and that I was safely into the less-risky 2nd trimester when it happened. The thought of Kyle growing up without a father or siblings is really, really sad. I am so glad that they’ll have each other. And I’m so glad that neither of them will have an emotional scar from this. They will have the generic pain/sadness of not having a father, but not the actual trauma of the loss had they been older when it happened.

• I was recently reminded of all I have accomplished this past year (thanks Ca), which made me feel good: Returned to work full-time, packed up and sold our CT house, finished/sold our MA house (after one failed closing), bought land, designed/built another house, handled the (sometimes daily) deluge of frustrating/upsetting paperwork and phone calls (re: health insurance, life insurance, legal issues, banking, out of state move, etc.), moved twice, made it through the final 6 months of pregnancy, had Luke and battled through very difficult nursing issues while averaging about 4 hrs of broken sleep per night and also trying to be the best mom possible to Kyle (some days I’m better at this than others). But as I’ve said, busy is good and all of this has definitely helped get me through the year.

• Even though I made all my housing decisions at the lowest point in my life, I have no regrets. It would have felt too wrong/sad to live in the house that Jared and I designed/built together. And buying an existing house would have felt like settling after custom-building the last two houses. I absolutely love my new house/neighborhood and feel like it will be as perfect for me and my boys as anything can be under the circumstances.

• My two precious little boys fill my life with such joy and purpose. It's tough raising them alone, but I feel SO incredibly blessed to have them. And Jared truly lives on through them…I see it every day in Kyle, and also hope to see it in Luke as he gets older.

• I couldn’t have gotten through this last year without my mom and sister. There are no words to thank them for all they have done (and continue to do) for me and my boys, on SO many levels. I feel so incredibly blessed to have them. Their love and support have helped get me through the darkest days of my life.

My overall feelings haven’t changed since Day 1…I just miss him so painfully much and am heartbroken that our boys will grow up without him. He has left such a huge, sad void in our family, one that will never be filled. I really hope his spirit is with us, able to feel the love and joy of our boys, but not all the pain and sadness. He was truly the best person I have ever and will ever know. I loved him (and will always love him) with all my heart.