Naps, Playgrounds, etc

With a two year old and 7 month old, you'd think it would be pretty reasonable to expect at least 30 minutes each afternoon when they'd both be napping. But that's not the case with my kids. I know I sound like a broken record about naps, but this is just one of the most frustrating aspects of my life right now (especially since I'm still up every few hours at night with Luke so am very sleep-deprived). I feel like the stars need to align to get this little tiny kid-free window in the afternoon, because it happens so rarely. Yesterday, Kyle didn't nap at all (and promptly woke up Luke with his screaming). And today, Luke decided to nap for only 20 minutes (and promptly woke up Kyle, who naps SO lightly).

Ever since Jared died, I have struggled with my "coping strategy" for life's smaller challenges (like short/no naps). Before, I was always able to put things in perspective by stepping back and looking at the big picture, and recognizing how blessed I was with everything that truly mattered in life. But I no longer have that perspective and find these daily frustrations just seem to make my big picture perspective that much more difficult. And I no longer have Jared to talk to and vent about little stuff like this, as well as my bigger worries/concerns about our boys. It's just really hard.

And everything always seems worse on the weekends, when I can't help but to picture how things would have been. I used to love our family time more than anything. Especially this time of year with the start of the baseball season, March Madness, warmer weather, etc. I just miss sharing my life with him so much. I miss playing with Kyle together, I miss watching him play with Kyle, I miss listening to music together, I miss falling asleep next to him every night and waking up next to him every morning, I miss watching sports/movies together, I miss eating meals together, I miss playing games together, I miss taking walks together, and most of all I just miss talking and laughing with him. I just miss him. I miss being a family. Weekends especially feel so empty and lonely without him.

But I know I still have a lot to be thankful for in life. I love my boys more than anything in the world. And I have the most supportive mom and sister (and brother-in-law), who do SO much for me and help fill the companionship void in my life. But absolutely nothing can come close to filling the heartbreaking void that Jared has left in my life. I just miss him so much, and that only seems to grow stronger with time.

To end on a happier note, Kyle and Luke both enjoyed a new activity today...snuggling together in Kyle's crib! It was VERY cute, especially the way Kyle snuggles right up to him, and the way Luke just watches him with such adoration. They definitely love eachother...see below :)


And I took them to the playground (actually 2 different playgrounds) this afternoon. I was reminded how PAINFUL it is to watch Kyle "in action". "In action" for him at the playground is sitting at the top of the slide looking shell-shocked saying "slide too big", unable to psyche himself up to go down. VERY cautious little boy. Nonnie got to see this firsthand on Skype (on my iPhone).

He was causing a big logjam on the slide at the first playground, because he didn't understand about letting the more adventurous kids go around him (most of whom looked much younger than he!). So that's why we went to a second, smaller playground...no one was there so there was no pressure. He could sit at the top as long as he wanted! He did go down once (with lots of coaxing), said he wanted to do it again, but couldn't quite pull the trigger. I eventually had to climb up myself and carry him back down because he was too afraid to go down either the slide or the steps. I like that he's cautious, but he needs to find a happy medium and be able to let loose and enjoy fun things...must work on this!