Pictures

I finally felt ready and that the time was right to introduce the boys to pictures of Jared. And the photo blocks that I made them for Christmas were my planned way of doing it. Whether right or wrong, I have held off until now because I was so afraid of Kyle recognizing him and wondering where Daddy was and why he was gone, before his little brain could actually comprehend the concept of death.

And I knew in reality Kyle would only remember him from pictures anyway, so I didn't feel like anything would be lost by holding out until now. But I also wanted them to be young enough that it's a "fact" that they grow up knowing, instead of a shocking revelation when they are old enough to actually understand. So I just try to stick with a simple, canned statement when we look at pictures of him, that "Daddy died and lives in heaven way up in the sky, and he loves us all very much even though we can't see him". I am bawling as I type that and can't yet say it to them without crying. And can't have them point to a picture and say "Daddy" without crying. But it's a start. And I hung an 8x10 picture of him on the wall in the family room last week, which makes me feel like he's right there watching over us.

The words sound so disproportionately simple, but I just miss him so, so much and miss sharing every aspect of my life with him. And seeing all the buzz on Facebook about the Patriots is something right now that really hits home, knowing how we would be counting down the minutes to these exciting playoff games together. I haven't watched a single sports game in the almost 2 years since he died. At this point I could handle it from a sadness standpoint. But I now realize that I have lost my passion for sports. I so miss sharing the passion with him, but in no way do I miss actually watching the games themselves. There is nothing preventing me from watching. But like basically everything else I enjoyed in life, I enjoyed watching/following sports because we did it together. My happiness was just truly 100% centered around him and I really struggle to have fun without him.

I try to be positive, but lately that has felt easier said than done. Life just continues to feel so hard, lonely, and sad. And issues with the kids just make everything feel that much harder. Like Kyle had two nights in a row this week where he was awake and yelling throughout the entire night (and on the 2nd night of this, I think I literally didn't sleep at all, for possibly the first time ever). He now has a cold, which hopefully was the root cause of that awfulness. And for the last couple weeks, he's been back to waking in the mid-5's in the morning yelling that he's wet. And very wet he and his jammies/sheets are, which I just don't understand because I literally give him about an inch of milk from noon on. So I have no idea where all this pee comes from and of course I worry about it. And I hate waking for good so early every day to such unpleasant circumstances. Going through nights/mornings like that alone, and just feeling like there is no one else who really knows/understands my life, is hard.

And while I try to focus on the positives with Luke's feeding, it can still be so discouraging. He will now eat yogurt and pureed baby food (Stage 2 jars) pretty easily, which is a HUGE improvement from the antics/energy/time/sanity that used to be required. So I am now trying to add some textured foods (Stage 3 jars), since that is the next step he should be making. He has made progress in that now he now tries to swallow chunky puree (instead of just letting it sit in his mouth), but it always triggers a gag reflex. I have learned that scaring/startling him is effective barf-prevention when he gags. But the chunky foods seem to trigger a stronger gag reflex because he has thrown up 4 out of the last 5 times I have fed him. And the giant, waterproof "barf bib" was not able to contain the last couple, which means a huge post-barf cleanup was required (Luke, me, floor, nearby toys, and worst of all the high chair, with all its straps and crevices). It is just so demoralizing and really zaps my motivation to keep forging ahead with these feeding steps. But I have to just hope and pray that he simply learns how to eat one of these days, and that there is no underlying condition causing all of these issues.

But in general the boys are both doing well. Some highlights...Kyle can now successfully close his Curious George jack-in-the-box, which is a little tricky because you have to stuff Curious George in, close the lid, and turn the knob all simultaneously until it clicks shut. Yay Kyle! And yay Mommy not having to do it for him anymore! He is also a whiz with his 24 pc puzzles, and really enjoys doing them. And Luke just keeps trying to do/say more things, and thinks he's pretty cool while doing them :) He tested ahead of his age in all categories (language, fine/gross motor, cognitive, etc) last week during his 6 month Early Intervention re-evaluation, which was great to hear. Except feeding of course...he tested around 10 months for that so he continues to qualify for services.

And I decided to give them both haircuts yesterday (saving me the time/hassle of bringing them to Snip-its). Doing this on no sleep probably wasn't the best idea, but they came out okay considering. Not a great picture, but this gives you an idea...