Benson, the Best Kitty Ever, 1/1/00(ish) - 4/2/13

At age 13, Benson suddenly stopped eating, going from 16 lbs to 11 lbs (vet suspects from advanced cancer), and developed fatty liver disease. I tried force feeding him for 10 days (swaddled with a syringe...not fun for either of us), on the off-chance that he stopped eating because of an infected tooth that the vet pulled. But he just kept going downhill. He started throwing up, stopped cleaning himself so had litter all stuck in his fur, and just wanted to be off by himself, like he knew he was dying. Seeing him in this state was definitely the hardest part for me, as I hate seeing any creature suffering.

At that point, the decision was pretty obvious. And I am SO thankful that I was able to have him put to sleep at home, while gently patting him on my lap, instead of having his last life experience be a car ride and the vet's office (both of which terrified him). He was such a sweet, cuddly cat. And such a comfort and companion to me, especially since Jared died. And also such a tie to my life with Jared. But I am at peace knowing I did the right thing. I really miss him though, especially at night after the kids go to bed.

The boys are doing fine with it. I had been prepping them, saying that Benson was really, really sick and they (Kyle) deduced that he might die. So on the last night, I had them pat him gently and tell him how much they loved him before bed (they didn't know that was the last time they'd see him, but I feel good that they had a sweet, loving final exchange with him).

His death definitely stirred up feelings/fears in Kyle about death. Ever since, he has been expressing worry that I might die. And he will say "Mommy, I love you so much and don't want you to ever, ever die". Or "Mommy, please don't die first". Per psychologists' recommendations, I don't promise him that I won't die, but I just tell him that most people die when they're really, really old, and that I'm not old so not to worry. And then he wants to know if I did die, would he get a new mommy, and where would he live. And I just tell him that he has lots of people in his life who love him and would take care of him, and that he'd live with Aunt Ca, Uncle Jon, Alex and Rachel because they love him so much. Don't know if I'm telling him too much, but I'm just kind of following his lead and trying to put his fears to rest as best I can. Such sad worries for a four year old. Absolutely breaks my heart.

And then I got an email from his school yesterday, saying Kyle was telling staff that he was going to the mall for breakfast with Mommy and Daddy in the morning. They wanted to know how they should respond when he says things like that. I asked Kyle this morning if he told a lie at school yesterday, and he said yes and described exactly what they told me. I asked why he said that, and he said because he wishes we could do that, and that Daddy could come down from heaven to live with us. And I responded the way I always do "me too baby, I wish that more than anything in the world". I really can't explain the gut-wrenching ache I feel when he says things like that. I know the pain is way worse for me hearing it than it is for him, but it just hurts like nothing else. Really just indescribable hurt.

Oh a happier note, the boys are excited to get TWO new kitties in the coming weeks. I have already decided on names, wanting to choose ones that give us a connection to Jared: Sunday (because Sunday was "Jared's day"...he loved making pancakes, reading the Sunday paper, going to the flea market, going mountain biking, and of course watching football) and Floyd (because Pink Floyd was "our music" that we loved listening to when relaxing and hanging out together). So stay tuned for the arrival of Sunday and Floyd!

Here's a photo tribute to our sweet little (I use that term loosely) Benson...