Christmas Season

My widow friend and I often talk about our "double whammy". We had read how this is the only kind of loss in life that packs this awful double punch...it not only leaves you with the most intense grief/sadness possible of losing your life partner, best friend, and father of your children, but it also leaves a very, very difficult life in its wake, raising little kids as an "only" parent while running the household alone.

And the holidays just make this double whammy seem that much harder. I think it's a combination of trying to find the time/energy to get everything done alone (shopping, decorating, cards, wrapping, etc) while the void in our family/house just feels 100 times magnified during this supposedly "merry" time. But the Christmas season was such a fun, magical time for me as a kid (and as an adult with Jared), and I absolutely want our kids to grow up with that same feeling. So I will do everything possible to make sure that happens and am hopeful that it feels more "merry" with each passing year. I just so miss sharing my life, especially the kids, with Jared. Christmas morning would have been so fun together this year, watching Kyle's awe when he sees that Santa came and really "getting it".

When I'm feeling especially sad/exhausted/overwhelmed, I try to look back over the last XX (21) months and recognize things that have gotten easier in my life. And there are a lot of them! So here are a few, in no particular order:

- Despite my children being pretty non-existent nappers, they have turned into GREAT night sleepers...12+ hours without a peep! So there is no excuse for me to be sleep-deprived anymore. And for the most part, I'm not.

- I am not pregnant or nursing so can eat/drink whatever I want without worrying about its affect on the baby. And I repeat, I AM NOT NURSING!!

- I am not trying to sell 2 different houses, failed last-minute closing and all, while buying land and designing/building a third house (while pregnant/working full-time, and then caring for a newborn/completely sleep-deprived, while also raising Kyle).

- I no longer have to be a germophobe, because Luke's growth/nourishment no longer requires him to suction onto anything (something that is nearly impossible to do with a stuffy nose, especially when it was nearly impossible for him to begin with!).

- We are settled in our house and I LOVE IT! There is literally nothing I would change, despite having designed every square inch of it during the absolute darkest days of my life. The house/neighborhood just feel perfect for us, and I love feeling settled with no moves on the horizon (packing/moving and all that goes along with it, which I did a couple times this last year and a half, is NOT fun).

- For the first time basically in Luke's entire life, I feel pretty good about his current growth rate and feel capable of maintaining it (albeit by still feeding him formula-enhanced baby food while distracting him to the point that he doesn't really know that he's eating). But this gives me a cushion to try more drastic measures to get him to "learn" to swallow non-pureed food.

And now for some kid updates. First Kyle. Ever since our Skype with Nonnie on Saturday, he has been VERY into coloring, which is a great new activity for him, one that he has always resisted for some reason. And the other thing that he's very into is getting "special treats". And I have learned that he will happily do just about anything if I preface it with "as a special treat...". For example, after he spilled on his pants this morning (meaning I had to change them, which is usually a battle), I said "as a special treat, do you want to wear your comfy tan pants today?" and he super-excitedly complied! And today at lunch, "as a special treat, do you want to have some peas for dessert?" and he excitedly wolfed down the whole bowl. And then before bed he likes to talk about how many special treats he had that day...very cute :) I almost tried to push my luck this afternoon when I wanted to cut his fingernails, but I bribed him with a piece of avocado instead of going the "special treat" route...I don't want to abuse my most effective parenting tool!

And Luke has two new tricks...he will very proudly slap my outstretched hand when I say "give me five" (something that Kyle has only recently started doing, and very stingily at that!). And he also has a new "game" where he holds out a toy to Kyle like he wants to share and then pulls it back at the last second with a huge smile and runs away (he's not quite as coordinated as he'd like to be, so this often results in him toppling over when he goes for the getaway). We call it "teasing" and it's super cute! Kyle thinks it's funny too. I've been trying to get it on video but no luck so far...I'll post it if/when I get it. And hopefully I'll get some good pictures soon too...nothing post-worthy at the moment, probably because I haven't really taken any recently!

Visits with Hannah (and Julie and Marion) and Nonnie!

We've had some fun visits recently. Last weekend, we got to meet adorable little Hannah. She (or "he" as her sleep-deprived mommy referred to her a few times) is an absolute doll. And it was immediately apparent what a WONDERFUL mommy Julie has become...such a natural/nurturing pro. It was so fun to see her in this glowing new role :)

And today we had a fun visit with Nonnie. She and Kyle took a walk, and then both kids enjoyed being pushed on the swings. Such a nice day out there today...hopefully we have a few more before winter sets in!

Moore State Park Photo Shoot

One of my childhood friend's husband is starting a side photography business. And to get started, he was doing sessions at Moore State Park last Sunday. It was a gorgeous day and such a beautiful park! Here are some pictures from the shoot...

Officially Walking!

So as of 11/11/11, Luke is officially walking! It's funny because right before I left for my audit yesterday, I said to my Mom "I guess you'd say he's walking, although it's not yet his default mode of getting around". Well he decided to prove me wrong because he went from taking a few steps on command to walking all over ALL the time. And he's very proud of himself, which sometimes causes him to lose his balance because he's too interested in looking around to make sure that he has an engaged/impressed audience :) Walking is such a fun milestone, because it really changes his whole presence and makes him seem like a little toddler, not a baby :) :(

Beach Day!

The boys and I had lots of fun surprising Nonnie with an afternoon at the beach on this GORGEOUS day! I wasn't actually a surprise...I had fibbed that I was visiting a supplier near Kennebunkport, and asked Nonnie if she wanted to go for a beach walk afterward. And fortunately she did! So I stopped at her house to pick her up at the agreed upon time, and she got in the car, completely unsuspecting. And the boys were actually quiet for another 30 seconds or so before she discovered them!

Kyle liked walking down (way down, because it was low tide) to see the "huge water" (a.k.a the ocean) with Nonnie. And he had fun filling his pail with rocks and chasing the seagulls (or ducks, as he first called them). And Luke just liked everything sand! Rolling in it, rubbing it around, digging in it, eating it...you name it. He definitely didn't have that initial weirdness that some kids have with the feeling of sand...he LOVED it!! And his diaper should be interesting tomorrow because he definitely consumed a lot of it...

We had so much fun and look forward to doing it again in the spring. And I was so happy that Nonnie, a "Mainer", got to witness the kids' first ocean beach experience. And I love that it was right in Jared's beautiful old stomping grounds.

PS: I included the photo of me and the boys for a good chuckle...Kyle looking like he's about to punch me and Luke crying for about the only 30 seconds he's cried this week :)

PPS: If you notice that Luke seems to be holding a crumpled plastic cup that looks like trash, it's not. I actually brought a few of those little cups for them to dig with. But in looking through the pictures, it looks like he found a yucky old cup in the sand, so I thought I'd clarify :)

Halloween, Feeding Clinic, and 1st Haircut...

Elmo and Cookie Monster had a good White Halloween on "Lower Lowell", trick-or-treating with their horse and moose cousins. Pooks had fun riding in the wagon, knocking around his pumpkin and sucking on candy wrappers. And Kyle liked the concept of going up to the door and getting candy (and would say "trick or treat" if prompted, but usually after the fact). He said he wanted to eat the candy after the first house, but I told him that he'd have to wait until afterward. And then he didn't ask for it when we got home so I didn't give him any...why give a 3 year old candy if he isn't asking for it, right?!

And the UMASS feeding clinic had a cancellation today, so I took Luke a few weeks earlier than scheduled. Nothing noteworthy to report. They say he's growing well and getting the right nutrition (albeit largely through baby food and formula powder!). And after observing him eat/drink, the team didn't see any concerning red flags that would indicate a more serious issue. They did of course see how delayed he is in his chewing/swallowing abilities but felt it's somewhat within the realm of normal and will just take some work to get him caught up. But they feel he definitely has potential as an eater :)

So basically they said to keep battling forward with the finger foods and recommended stimulating his mouth (with some sort of vibrating thing) before each meal to wake up the muscles/senses a little. After all, life would just be WAY too easy if he could just put food in his mouth, chew and swallow without all this work/intervention! I also felt good because they completely agreed with me about passing on the barium swallow test, feeling it was unnecessary. The issue seems to be more with his tongue and facial tone, not with his swallowing.

And after his appointment this afternoon, I took him for his first haircut! I had trimmed his bangs a little before, but he was starting to get more straggly-looking than I thought I could remedy, so it was time. And what better time than when I was out with just him anyway. And despite having essentially not napped today (except for about 10 minutes this morning before I had to wake him up to get Kyle from school, and then another 10 minutes or so in the car on the way to his haircut), he did great! A bit confused but overall happy and accommodating with no fussing. Just when I thought he couldn't get any cuter, I think he just did :)

Happy Birthday Grammy!

The boys and I crashed Grammy's birthday lunch with Ca, Alex and Rachel at Unos today! I decided last minute that we'd join them, much to Grammy's surprise. I ordered Kyle's pizza ahead of time as "to go", so it was ready when we got there to minimize his waiting-for-food tantrum. He loved his pizza, but no so much the carrot sticks I brought to keep him occupied afterward. And Luke had fun hanging out with the big kids (and really liked the fact that he didn't actually have to eat!).

Here are a few pictures of Grammy's birthday lunch. Note, these pictures do not include one of Luke's car door handle, which I somehow ripped completely off the car in the parking lot so had to load/unload him through Kyle's side (stopped at a repair shop on the way home and it's really broken...have to fix through Subaru...ugh).


And I finally took a video today of Luke "walking" today. He's getting there...

Nap & Poop Log

Those who know me well should not be surprised to learn that yes, I have been charting my boys' naps and poops for the last few weeks, trying to find/confirm correlation between the two. Yes, I am that nerdy. But the engineer in me is just always trying to find "root cause" for their poor napping, despite my VERY rigid/consistent attempts to right the ship. Well, the root cause is VERY obvious...as I suspected, it is poops!

I have 23 days worth of data. Of Luke's 46 nap attempts (one in the morning and one in the afternoon), he napped 28 out of 46 times. And of those 18 non-naps, he had a poop 16 out of 18 times! And of the 28 naps that he took, he had ZERO poops! VERY obvious trend here. If he poops after I put him down, he won't fall asleep. If he doesn't poop, he will.

Now for Kyle. And he's had a cold for the last 1.5 weeks, so I'm lumping needing a tissue in with poops for him. Out of his 23 afternoon nap attempts, he napped 7 times (with no poops or nose issues). And of the 16 non-naps, he had a poop 10 times and needed his leaking-faucet nose repeatedly wiped the other 6.

So again, the root cause is quite obvious...if they have a poop (or a leaky faucet nose), they will NOT nap. If they don't, they will. So the obvious solution seems to be to check them for a poop (and squirt crazy glue up their nose) if they're not asleep after 15 minutes or so and change them if they do...I have tried this with both of them, but it seems to reset them...me coming in with the light on and changing a diaper makes them think naptime is over. So that hasn't worked.

So while the root cause of not napping is quite obvious, it does not explain how ridiculously untimely/unsynced they are with their non-naps (from a selfish Mommy standpoint of SOOOO wanting a little quiet, kid-free break during the day). And why they have to poop so often at the beginning of their naps?! On the mornings that Kyle is at school, I have the potential for a little break. Kyle had school 12 of the 23 mornings. And of those 12 days, I exercised 5 of them so those don't count since basically the whole Kyle-free window is spent exercising/showering. So of the 7 school/non-exercise mornings, Luke only napped 1 day (had poops the other 6)! And then for the afternoon naps, of Luke's 17 and Kyle's 7 naps, they did not overlap once, meaning Kyle napped on the same 7 afternoons that Luke did not...crazy! So of these 23 days, I only got a true nap break once (or actually twice, because Grammy took Kyle one afternoon and Luke napped). I know I sound like such a "poor me" loser. But I just feel like the potential is there, but poops and awful timing prevent it from happening.

Not getting a daily nap break from them was much harder to accept when they were 2 and "0", because it seemed like I "should" given their ages. But now that Kyle's 3, it is psychologically a little easier to accept because I know not all 3 years olds take naps. But it's still hard because they are both at such physically demanding, very dependent stages in terms of dressing/feeding/diapers/etc, that it feels like they are still "babies" and therefore should be napping better.

So now that you know WAY more than you'd ever want to about my boys' pooping habits, I guess this rambling, not-interesting-to-anyone-but-me post can be summed up very succinctly...I have CRAPPY NAPPERS, literally! So my new thing is to either put on my industrial earphones or turn on the microwave exhaust fan when I put them down for their afternoon nap, to try to drown out whatever yelling/crying is occurring while I wolf down my lunch and coffee. Oh, and if anyone is interested, over those 23 days, Kyle averaged 3.8 poops/day and Luke 4.3. So that's over 8 poopy diapers I'm changing per day. And Luke REFUSES to lie on his back for diapers, and it's a big game for Kyle teasing me and then running away when I try to change him (and he's showing NO potty interest/readiness yet). So not only is it very gross/frequent, but very challenging/frustrating to boot. Fun! Must look into ways to constipate my children... ;)

Let's see, since this post seems to be a negative one, what else can I complain about. Oh yeah, Luke is IMPOSSIBLE to get into his carseat these days! Kyle never went through that phase, but I had heard/read about it. He just becomes an absolute wild man, arching/twisting/bending to try to prevent me from strapping him in. And on Kyle's 4 school days, I get to strap him in FOUR times in a 2.5 hr span! If only they had a pre-preschool program, where I could drop Luke off for those 2 hrs too! Or at least a drive-through dropoff/pickup for Kyle.

And an update on another challenging Luke situation...a speech therapist came with Luke's Early Intervention OT yesterday and observed his eating. After seeing how he barely opens his mouth, doesn't really chew, and lets finger food just sit in his mouth instead of swallowing, she estimated that he's eating at about an 8 month level (and he's 14 months). So that at least validated my incredible frustration with feeding him, and how far off independent eating feels right now. She didn't really have any answers though, just that he seems to have low tone and to try to stimulate the mouth/facial muscles. Not sure how to do that, but I guess I'll look into it and add it to the to-do list. I go back to the feeding clinic with him in a few weeks and hopefully they will have some answers/solutions. It's just been SUCH a long 14 month struggle to nourish him, with no real end in sight. But he is making progress and I need to just focus on that. And she did think he was within the realm of normal (on the low end) for his "speech"...no words yet but she said he's making some good sounds which is encouraging. And his receptive language (and desire to learn) seems to be taking off, which is great to see!

I am constantly reminded by friends/family (and I fully know) that these are just tough ages regardless, even under the best of circumstances. And I 100% know that it would feel almost as hard even if Jared were here, because I wouldn't have the perspective that I have now. Although most of the daily kid "chores" would still largely fall on me, I'd get the little pick-me-up phone calls and emails during the day from him at work, and have the change of dynamics every night/weekend/vacation when he was home, and have his companionship/love/support/encouragement to look forward to each and every day. And help with the house upkeep. Not to mention the breaks from diapers, baths, the kid-free windows, getting to sleep-in occasionally, etc, etc. It would still feel very hard, but not in the lonely/overwhelming way it feels now.

What this all boils down to is that life continues to be very challenging on many levels. The basic challenge of raising our two little boys alone, paired with lots of worrying/managing their various developmental issues, all with the constant sadness of missing Jared and the happy, fulfilling life we shared. It would be easy to say that I didn't know how good I had it. But I absolutely DID know how good I had it and I recognized and appreciated our happy marriage every single day. I think that only makes it harder. In some ways, the true root cause of all of life's challenges right now is just how much I miss Jared, and miss sharing our life/children together, both the good times as well as the challenges. If Jared were here, all the other challenges/difficulties would remain. But tackling them as a team would make all the difference in the world.

Wow, this really did end up being a rambling post. I guess sometimes it helps to put all these feelings down into words. And the pickings were slim, but here are a few recent pics of the boys for you...

Rail Trail with Nonnie

We had a fun visit with Nonnie today. We went for a 2+ mile "hike" on the rail trail, and Kyle showed Nonnie the ropes...the 2 bridges, log pile, all the benches, and his favorite rock. I didn't take the double stroller, so I used pizza as a motivator for Kyle on the walk back to the car (in the interest of time, he usually walks the mile out to the 2nd ridge and then rides in the stroller on the way back). It was slow going at times but he's a little trooper (and really wanted pizza!).

And I got yet ANOTHER picture of Kyle that I really like...2 in less than a week! I guess the key is to plunk him on a bench on the rail trail :) And speaking of pictures, the reflectors on Luke's stroller really wreaked havoc on my photo attempts! You'll see it in some that I posted, but the reflection was WAY worse in a lot of the others, completely "whiting out" half the picture! I guess I should have turned the flash off...

Our "Nutshells"

Just thought I'd write an update with "our nutshells", which was Jared's cute/quaint expression when summing something up..."and that's my nutshell", instead of "in a nutshell" :)

KYLE'S NUTSHELL:
Kyle is definitely enjoying school, and his teacher reports that he is making progress in terms of joining the class activities with less prompting. So that's encouraging. I have an IEP progress meeting next week with his team and will be very interested to hear their observations/recommendations.

He had his 3 year well visit a couple weeks ago and it went well. He was around the 90th percentile for both height and weight, and he also got his flu and chicken pox shots while we were there. He was a good boy with all the waiting (probably because I let him play with my iPhone the whole time!).

And as an extension of the "Uncle Mike" joke, his new thing is making jokes about who is who...Benson is Kyle, Mommy is Grammy, Nonnie is Grampa, etc, etc. I just LOVE seeing him be silly and hearing him laugh. Hopefully there will be more and more of that in the near future.

LUKE'S NUTSHELL:
I can summarize Pooks in two words...pure joy. I know I am biased, but he is just the sweetest, happiest, most adorable little creature in the world :) He is my little "sonshine" and I could just gobble him up! I love Kyle every bit as much as him, but Luke is just at a very fun age...everything is exciting to him and he doesn't have that edge/attitude yet (and hopefully never will!).

He has started trying to take some steps, and is very proud of himself when he does. If I say "do your walking", he'll let go of whatever he's holding onto and take a couple steps before doing a faceplant. Unlike cautious Kyle, Luke has absolutely no fear (which can be good and bad). It's like it doesn't even occur to him that he can't really walk yet when he tries, and it doesn't phase him when he falls. I think real walking is still a ways off, but when he's physically ready, he'll take off with no fear!

And I feel like he's blossoming developmentally in a lot of areas. He likes looking at books now and is learning to recognize some of the pictures, like car and ball. And he points to the pictures using both his index and middle finger...those are the two fingers that he's sucked since he was a newborn and I guess he thinks they are a package deal...adorable :) And he'll "dance" on command (i.e. bounce up and down while holding onto something) and giggle as he's doing it. He will also try to repeat more sounds/words now, including "apple" (in honor of Steve Jobs?). And whenever he does something that he's proud of (which is quite often...as Grammy says, he has a very good opinion of himself!), he will also look for a reaction and praise. While rubbing his feet together like a little cricket, because that's what he does when he's happy/proud :)

And last but not least, what would a blog post be without a Luke feeding update. Only this time, it will be slightly positive! My new schedule with him is to do high calorie (mixing a jar with formula/cereal) breakfast and dinner, and then focus lunch more on self-feeding. And I must say, it is pretty tolerable! Granted, that is largely due to the fact that Grammy is feeding him dinner most nights. But he seems to take his high-calories meals more easily (not thrilled about it, but will tolerate it with enough antics/distractions). And he is making some progress with finger foods, seeming more excited about feeding himself and getting better at swallowing. I did take him to a pediatric GI doctor, to rule out any kind of GERD issue that could be causing all his eating difficulties. He didn't see anything obvious but ordered a modified barium swallow test (to rule out any physical causes) and prescribed an antacid (as a trial, to see if things improved). For now, after reading up on it, I don't think I am going to do either one of those. He seems to be making progress, I am able to maintain his weight, he's growing well in length, and he's very happy, sleeps well and never seems in pain. So I'd rather not subject him to radiation for a test that he may very well not cooperate for anyway. I'm still thinking about trying the Prilosec, but for now I'm holding off.

MY NUTSHELL:
My nutshell is a direct reflection of their nutshells. Luke's progress with eating is HUGE and really has improved the quality of my life. While I still dread feeding him, I don't feel like I'm going to lose my mind during it! So that's progress. Oh, and something I should have included in Kyle's nutshell is the fact that he's sleeping until 6:30/6:45 every morning now...hooray!! Just in time for "fall back" :( What a difference that extra hour makes though...getting up at 5:30 with a soaking wet, grumpy, demanding little boy was NOT a good way to start the day.

Since Jared died, I have found it very important to always have things on the calendar, to both look forward to and help break up the monotony. Along those lines, since I work from home on a flex schedule (meaning I work 7 days a week so the days seem to just run together), I like having things that make each day feel a little different. Kyle's school schedule helps...that defines Tues-Fri. And I have also found that exercising helps too. Ever since Luke started sleeping through the night (i.e. I stopped waking him up to try to nurse him throughout the night!), I have been exercising 4 days a week and haven't yet missed a day! My "secret" is that I schedule the 4 days on my calendar at the beginning of each week, and that way it doesn't feel like an option to me. And the fact that my exercise bike is in my bedroom with a TV in front of it helps too...would be hard to make excuses! So that defines those days, and obviously I particularly like the feel of the 3 days that I DON'T exercise!

So those are our nutshells. I haven't been good about taking pictures recently, but I took some on our rail trail walk this afternoon. I especially like the one of Kyle leaning on the bench...it is SO hard to get a good picture of him so I treasure the good ones of him that much more!