School Picture and Kid Update

I had absolutely NO expectations for Kyle's school picture, especially after his teacher told me that the photo session interrupted his snack...that poor photographer!! But I absolutely LOVE this picture!! It is definitely my current favorite of him. I took a picture of it, so it's a little distorted but gives you the idea...

In other kid news, Kyle started going full days at preschool last Thursday. His IEP team felt that he would benefit from the one-on-one time that a full day could offer. So he is in the same class in the morning, without aids. And then he's in a small special ed class in the afternoon with a one-on-one aid, to work on his social skills. His teachers have reported good progress over the last couple weeks, so hopefully that continues. And (knock on wood) he has handled the transition to "double school" fine. But it's a long day (the bus gets him at 8:30 and drops him off around 3), so he comes home pretty tired/grumpy. But I am very happy that he's getting these extra services and am hopeful that his good progress continues.

And in Luke news, he has become a little parrot, repeating anything and everything anyone else says! And without my prompting, he has taken to saying "help please" (in his super-sweet little voice) when he needs help...very polite little 1 year old :) He has also started answering any and all questions (whether they are directed at him or not!) with "yah", and he is very good at recognizing questions vs statements. I just love watching his language blossom!

And now that Kyle is going to "double school", Luke is without his buddy for those four days. So I have been searching for some sort of social activity for him (because he definitely likes being around other kids). But there's not too much out there for 1 year olds. So I decided to send him to a daycare a couple mornings a week (from 9 to 12). And a childhood acquaintance Laurie (who I am friends with on Facebook) runs a center out of her home about 3 minutes down the road. I checked it out yesterday and loved it!

There are a few other kids Luke's age, a nice outside play area, and overall a very fun/nurturing environment. And as an added bonus, Laurie's husband was laid off last year and has been home ever since helping her (apparently they are fine financially). So I absolutely love that there will be a guy around, since Luke has virtually no exposure to males. And I just get such warm, kid-loving vibes from Laurie on Facebook (and also when I talked to her in person yesterday)...she has 3 boys of her own and just really loves kids. So I feel really good about this and am also VERY excited to have these kid-free windows of time in the house. It will help from a work standpoint. But I'm getting my job done right now without this time, so I hope to use at least some of the time to run kid-free errands and get stuff done around the house. Thursday will be his first day, and I think it will be a win-win for both of us!

Two Years

My final conversation, laugh, hug, and kiss with Jared all feel like a lifetime ago. It seems impossible that it has been just two years. After college, time started going by very quickly, with the years kind of running together without much to define them. But not these two last years. That happy life I once had feels like such a distant almost surreal memory now. It's hard to remember how genuinely happy, content, and secure I felt. But I know I did. And I know that I recognized/appreciated it every single day.

Despite having another year under my belt, my emotions of grief and sadness are still very consuming, with it all still boiling down to the very simple "I just plain miss him". What I wouldn't give to have one more conversation with him. To reflect on our life. To share thoughts on our boys. To hear his perspective on death. As stupid as it sounds, I want to know that he's okay with death. Something that continues to haunt me is thinking how he left to play basketball that night, completely (and blissfully) unaware that his life was about to end. I can barely see the screen through my tears as I type this. I just truly hope that he has some higher purpose in this world and is at peace with that.

I could go on and on with a two year reflection. But I feel like it's all just the same old story, with time not really changing how I feel yet. So I'll end by sharing a very bittersweet new nightly ritual. After I read the boys a story and put Luke to bed, I snuggle with Kyle in his room in the dark for a few minutes. We start by playing the "today I liked..." game, where we go back and forth saying something we liked about the day (Kyle's are usually food-related, surprise surprise). And then completely out of the blue one night he started saying in his very sweet little voice "Daddy lives in heaven....he loves me so much...and he loves Luke...". Hearing him say those things, which he does almost every night now, just absolutely breaks my heart and brings me to tears. But at the same time I absolutely love that he seems to feel Jared's presence with us when we're snuggling, which is so fitting and appropriate.

We will always love you Jared, and I am thrilled that it seems you are finding ways for our boys to feel your love. Hopefully the line between the living and the dead is much blurrier than we think.

Fun Visit with Nonnie!

We had a nice visit with Nonnie today. As usual, she came bearing fun little gifts for the kids, an airplane for Kyle and a bulldozer for Luke. We all (adults included) especially enjoyed the toy airplane...when you pull it backward, it shoots forward with its propeller spinning, nose lifting. The first time I did it, I thought it was actually going to takeoff!

Once the novelty of the cool airplane wore off a bit, the boys had fun playing outside in the wonderfully-snowless-in-February backyard with Nonnie. Isn't this just the best winter ever?! Luke's new favorite thing when he's outside is watching his shadow (and saying "shadow" over and over again until someone acknowledges it)...very cute, as is almost everything about little Pooks :)

Then it was inside for pizza. Kyle has been talking about that for the last few days because that's our lunch tradition when Nonnie visits...veggie Kashi frozen pizza which Kyle thinks is a HUGE "special treat". Clearly that boy doesn't get out much.

And the highlight of the day for me (other than seeing Nonnie of course) was the fact that Kyle actually slept during his afternoon "nap" today!! Probably only about 20 minutes, but those little power naps usually reset him into sleeping a bit later in the morning. Hopefully that holds true. So for a brief, wonderful window this afternoon, I had the pleasure of flipping back and forth on my baby monitor and seeing two sleeping boys. At the same time! Ahhh, I could get used to that...

And I had been promising all sorts of things to Kyle when he actually sleeps during his nap (usually he just mills around in his crib for about 5 minutes, yells that he has a poop, I change his diaper, he mills around another 10 minutes or so while I eat my lunch, and then he starts yelling and I get him before he wakes up Luke).

So today, I paid out on these nap promises that I had been making. The highlight for Kyle was a Cars puzzle he had picked out on Amazon a few weeks ago, that I told him the UPS man would deliver when he sleeps during a nap. He was super excited to see it! And up until now, he has only done 24 piece puzzles. This one is 46 pieces, and he put it together all by himself fairly easily, although it took him about 20 minutes instead of only 5 minutes like with his smaller ones. As you can see in the picture, he was so proud when he finished :)

Diaper Rash and Super Bowl

Over the last week or so, Luke has developed a HORRIBLE diaper rash. His poor little bum is all raw and bleeding :( And unfortunately, it coincides with (or was caused by) him now pooping 5-6 times per day, when he had been down to a more reasonable 3 per day before. So his bum never gets a break from the irritation of poop and wipes, and any benefit of the "bum cream" is quickly negated by the next poop. Poop little guy :(

Needless to say, it is REALLY hard to change his diapers because it hurts him so much that he keeps trying to get away. And he's very strong! It brings back such vivid memories of Kyle right around when Jared died. He had an equally bad rash that just went on FOREVER, made worse by the fact that Kyle would constantly claw at it (queue the "hand socks"). Fortunately Luke isn't doing that...yet.

And then it occurred to me that Luke is the exact age, to the day, that Kyle was when he last saw Jared. Luke still seems like such a baby to me, which sort of makes me feel better about Kyle's stage in life when it happened. He really was just a baby. And in some ways, I think parenting without Jared will feel a little less sad going forward now...all of Luke's stages and milestones up to this point have so vividly reminded me of Jared and I going through them together with Kyle. Now all new "kid stuff" will have only been experienced by me alone, and won't trigger any memories.

I do have the Super Bowl on right now. When I let myself get at all into it, I just start crying and feel so sad...I can hear exactly what Jared would be saying, and picture his concentration/facial expression as he'd watch. Patriots football was by far his #1 sports passion, and football in general was absolutely his favorite sport to watch/analyze/discuss. So now I have the game on mute and will do work, laundry, etc while keeping tabs on it. This is literally the first game I've tried to watch since he died, and I guess it proves that I am still a long ways off from being able to enjoy sports again. Watching/following sports was literally my one and only hobby, so there is definitely a void in that department.

And while my heart isn't into the game today, I still wanted to dress the boys appropriately, in case the Pats win the first championship of their lifetime tonight. So here they are, looking absolutely thrilled..go Pats!

We get to go to Tewksbury!

The boys had a great visit today with Nonnie, Great Grampy, Uncle Mike and Emily! Kyle has been talking all week about how we get to go to Tewksbury on Saturday, "to see Great Grampy, and Nonnie, and maybe Uncle Mike, and maybe Emily", and it all came to fruition today :) It was warm enough that we played outside for a little, kicking/throwing the ball around and watching the cars go by.

We then hung out inside. Luke had fun looking at his picture books with Uncle Mike and Nonnie, and then standing up on the coffee table like a "hot shot". And Kyle very much enjoyed Emily shelling pistachios for him to eat :) Emily tried to entice him to ride on Great Grampy's stair-chairlift, but Kyle found the whole thing a bit sketchy and very decisively said he didn't want to. On the way home, I asked Kyle what he liked best about the visit and he said "Nonnie" :)

And the other highlight of our day was a fun Skype session with Auntie Jayne! It was great to have a little virtual tour of her apartment and hear all about the wonderful and meaningful work that she is doing on the reservation...we're so proud of you Auntie Jayne :)

Pictures

I finally felt ready and that the time was right to introduce the boys to pictures of Jared. And the photo blocks that I made them for Christmas were my planned way of doing it. Whether right or wrong, I have held off until now because I was so afraid of Kyle recognizing him and wondering where Daddy was and why he was gone, before his little brain could actually comprehend the concept of death.

And I knew in reality Kyle would only remember him from pictures anyway, so I didn't feel like anything would be lost by holding out until now. But I also wanted them to be young enough that it's a "fact" that they grow up knowing, instead of a shocking revelation when they are old enough to actually understand. So I just try to stick with a simple, canned statement when we look at pictures of him, that "Daddy died and lives in heaven way up in the sky, and he loves us all very much even though we can't see him". I am bawling as I type that and can't yet say it to them without crying. And can't have them point to a picture and say "Daddy" without crying. But it's a start. And I hung an 8x10 picture of him on the wall in the family room last week, which makes me feel like he's right there watching over us.

The words sound so disproportionately simple, but I just miss him so, so much and miss sharing every aspect of my life with him. And seeing all the buzz on Facebook about the Patriots is something right now that really hits home, knowing how we would be counting down the minutes to these exciting playoff games together. I haven't watched a single sports game in the almost 2 years since he died. At this point I could handle it from a sadness standpoint. But I now realize that I have lost my passion for sports. I so miss sharing the passion with him, but in no way do I miss actually watching the games themselves. There is nothing preventing me from watching. But like basically everything else I enjoyed in life, I enjoyed watching/following sports because we did it together. My happiness was just truly 100% centered around him and I really struggle to have fun without him.

I try to be positive, but lately that has felt easier said than done. Life just continues to feel so hard, lonely, and sad. And issues with the kids just make everything feel that much harder. Like Kyle had two nights in a row this week where he was awake and yelling throughout the entire night (and on the 2nd night of this, I think I literally didn't sleep at all, for possibly the first time ever). He now has a cold, which hopefully was the root cause of that awfulness. And for the last couple weeks, he's been back to waking in the mid-5's in the morning yelling that he's wet. And very wet he and his jammies/sheets are, which I just don't understand because I literally give him about an inch of milk from noon on. So I have no idea where all this pee comes from and of course I worry about it. And I hate waking for good so early every day to such unpleasant circumstances. Going through nights/mornings like that alone, and just feeling like there is no one else who really knows/understands my life, is hard.

And while I try to focus on the positives with Luke's feeding, it can still be so discouraging. He will now eat yogurt and pureed baby food (Stage 2 jars) pretty easily, which is a HUGE improvement from the antics/energy/time/sanity that used to be required. So I am now trying to add some textured foods (Stage 3 jars), since that is the next step he should be making. He has made progress in that now he now tries to swallow chunky puree (instead of just letting it sit in his mouth), but it always triggers a gag reflex. I have learned that scaring/startling him is effective barf-prevention when he gags. But the chunky foods seem to trigger a stronger gag reflex because he has thrown up 4 out of the last 5 times I have fed him. And the giant, waterproof "barf bib" was not able to contain the last couple, which means a huge post-barf cleanup was required (Luke, me, floor, nearby toys, and worst of all the high chair, with all its straps and crevices). It is just so demoralizing and really zaps my motivation to keep forging ahead with these feeding steps. But I have to just hope and pray that he simply learns how to eat one of these days, and that there is no underlying condition causing all of these issues.

But in general the boys are both doing well. Some highlights...Kyle can now successfully close his Curious George jack-in-the-box, which is a little tricky because you have to stuff Curious George in, close the lid, and turn the knob all simultaneously until it clicks shut. Yay Kyle! And yay Mommy not having to do it for him anymore! He is also a whiz with his 24 pc puzzles, and really enjoys doing them. And Luke just keeps trying to do/say more things, and thinks he's pretty cool while doing them :) He tested ahead of his age in all categories (language, fine/gross motor, cognitive, etc) last week during his 6 month Early Intervention re-evaluation, which was great to hear. Except feeding of course...he tested around 10 months for that so he continues to qualify for services.

And I decided to give them both haircuts yesterday (saving me the time/hassle of bringing them to Snip-its). Doing this on no sleep probably wasn't the best idea, but they came out okay considering. Not a great picture, but this gives you an idea...

Spring Day!

A 55 degree day in January? Yes please!! Days like this really make the winter bearable. And I love the fact that we're already well into January without having had any real hardcore winter or snow (except the Halloween storm, which doesn't really count since that was still autumn). I'm sure we'll still get hammered the next couple months, but the longer we go like this, the shorter winter feels.

And it's funny how 55F in January feels like about 70F...had all the windows open (while still running the heat, of course), went for a walk in flip flops without a jacket (don't worry, kids wore jackets), neighbors were out doing yard work, etc.

And this was the first walk with the boys where Luke walked too! And walk he did. For those that know my street, he walked from our house all the way to Fort Sumter like a big boy and LOVED it! That's over 1/3 of a mile (or about 1.3 times around a track...not bad for a little guy!). The reason he hasn't walked outside before is because I just got his "outdoor shoes" this week (he only had his Robeez slipper-shoes until now).

After the walk, we played in the backyard for a while and Luke just loved roaming around exploring. I really look forward to this upcoming spring...it will be so much more fun to be outside with the boys now that Luke doesn't have to be strapped into something. Wait, what am I saying...

Christmas Visit with Nonnie

We had a fun Christmas visit today with Nonnie and her friend Diane. Nonnie came bearing lots of nice, generous gifts, all of which Kyle thoroughly enjoyed! I didn't get too many pictures because my camera bit the dust mid-visit (probably because I dropped it on the hardwood floor). Here are a few though...

Christmas 2011

Christmas was a lot of fun for the boys. We had a nice dinner and fun opening presents at Grammy's house on Christmas Eve with Ca and family. And then we all had Christmas day together at my house. Ca and her kids slept over, so we got to do the Santa preparations together, which was nice. And having them all here Christmas morning made everything that much better.

Kyle was very pleased to see that Santa brought him all the toys he requested...an ambulance, a cash register, and a teddy bear (and an airplane for Luke). But I don't know WHAT Santa was thinking when he picked out that bleeping ambulance...it has the loudest, most obnoxious audio imaginable! One of the buttons on it is a horrible-sounding fake cough, which is ironic because we were the most disgusting-sounding group on Christmas with all of our lingering coughs/congestion. So we definitely didn't need any fake additions!

There is probably no day that has a stronger sense of loss for me than Christmas. I could just so vividly picture what Jared would be doing if he were there, lying on the floor being goofy with the kids, showing them how all their new toys work, and truly savoring every minute of it. He was the rock of our family and everything still just feels so empty, "mechanical", and difficult without him.

Sometimes I just look at our little boys and it seems unfathomable to me that they don't have a father. It just breaks my heart thinking about all the love and fun and father-son bonding that they are missing out on in life. And also thinking about all the fatherhood joy that Jared is missing out on too. But I continue to be so thankful that we got pregnant with Luke when we did, so that the boys have each other. And I just look at Luke with such amazement, thinking about how he was somehow able to survive/grow/thrive inside me during those 6 months when I was experiencing the most intense grief/stress possible and felt completely dead inside. But he is so strong and full of life, my little angel from heaven. I just love my boys so much, and love that they are a direct and lasting product of the love that Jared and I shared.

Christmas Season

My widow friend and I often talk about our "double whammy". We had read how this is the only kind of loss in life that packs this awful double punch...it not only leaves you with the most intense grief/sadness possible of losing your life partner, best friend, and father of your children, but it also leaves a very, very difficult life in its wake, raising little kids as an "only" parent while running the household alone.

And the holidays just make this double whammy seem that much harder. I think it's a combination of trying to find the time/energy to get everything done alone (shopping, decorating, cards, wrapping, etc) while the void in our family/house just feels 100 times magnified during this supposedly "merry" time. But the Christmas season was such a fun, magical time for me as a kid (and as an adult with Jared), and I absolutely want our kids to grow up with that same feeling. So I will do everything possible to make sure that happens and am hopeful that it feels more "merry" with each passing year. I just so miss sharing my life, especially the kids, with Jared. Christmas morning would have been so fun together this year, watching Kyle's awe when he sees that Santa came and really "getting it".

When I'm feeling especially sad/exhausted/overwhelmed, I try to look back over the last XX (21) months and recognize things that have gotten easier in my life. And there are a lot of them! So here are a few, in no particular order:

- Despite my children being pretty non-existent nappers, they have turned into GREAT night sleepers...12+ hours without a peep! So there is no excuse for me to be sleep-deprived anymore. And for the most part, I'm not.

- I am not pregnant or nursing so can eat/drink whatever I want without worrying about its affect on the baby. And I repeat, I AM NOT NURSING!!

- I am not trying to sell 2 different houses, failed last-minute closing and all, while buying land and designing/building a third house (while pregnant/working full-time, and then caring for a newborn/completely sleep-deprived, while also raising Kyle).

- I no longer have to be a germophobe, because Luke's growth/nourishment no longer requires him to suction onto anything (something that is nearly impossible to do with a stuffy nose, especially when it was nearly impossible for him to begin with!).

- We are settled in our house and I LOVE IT! There is literally nothing I would change, despite having designed every square inch of it during the absolute darkest days of my life. The house/neighborhood just feel perfect for us, and I love feeling settled with no moves on the horizon (packing/moving and all that goes along with it, which I did a couple times this last year and a half, is NOT fun).

- For the first time basically in Luke's entire life, I feel pretty good about his current growth rate and feel capable of maintaining it (albeit by still feeding him formula-enhanced baby food while distracting him to the point that he doesn't really know that he's eating). But this gives me a cushion to try more drastic measures to get him to "learn" to swallow non-pureed food.

And now for some kid updates. First Kyle. Ever since our Skype with Nonnie on Saturday, he has been VERY into coloring, which is a great new activity for him, one that he has always resisted for some reason. And the other thing that he's very into is getting "special treats". And I have learned that he will happily do just about anything if I preface it with "as a special treat...". For example, after he spilled on his pants this morning (meaning I had to change them, which is usually a battle), I said "as a special treat, do you want to wear your comfy tan pants today?" and he super-excitedly complied! And today at lunch, "as a special treat, do you want to have some peas for dessert?" and he excitedly wolfed down the whole bowl. And then before bed he likes to talk about how many special treats he had that day...very cute :) I almost tried to push my luck this afternoon when I wanted to cut his fingernails, but I bribed him with a piece of avocado instead of going the "special treat" route...I don't want to abuse my most effective parenting tool!

And Luke has two new tricks...he will very proudly slap my outstretched hand when I say "give me five" (something that Kyle has only recently started doing, and very stingily at that!). And he also has a new "game" where he holds out a toy to Kyle like he wants to share and then pulls it back at the last second with a huge smile and runs away (he's not quite as coordinated as he'd like to be, so this often results in him toppling over when he goes for the getaway). We call it "teasing" and it's super cute! Kyle thinks it's funny too. I've been trying to get it on video but no luck so far...I'll post it if/when I get it. And hopefully I'll get some good pictures soon too...nothing post-worthy at the moment, probably because I haven't really taken any recently!