Father's Day

The concept of Father's Day breaks my heart, as it seems to throw in my face all that my boys are missing out on in life, growing up without a father. And it also breaks my heart thinking of the 50+ years of being a dad that Jared was robbed of. He truly loved and appreciated being a dad more than anyone, and was so good at it. It just breaks my heart beyond words thinking of all that he and our boys will never experience in life. But I am so happy that he did get to experience those 1.5 yrs of being a dad, and had the thrill of knowing our second child was on the way, and got to enjoy one Father's Day as a dad. Needless to say, today had the makings of being a pretty down day. But I had a few nice surprises that provided some much-needed lifts.

First, I had a great chat with Ca, hearing all about their fun week in Nantucket. Chats with Ca always brighten my day :) And then Grammy and Nance stopped over after a walk, and Grammy fed Luke his lunch (while Nance played with Kyle and I watered my planting beds). This gave me a much-needed break from that whole feeding nightmare! And Grammy had a MUCH easier time with it than I've been having...I tried her "vitamin bottle trick" at dinner and also had a much easier time...hopefully we're on to something!

And then Er and adorable baby Matthew (Luke's BFF, who is just 1 month younger than he) stopped over for a fun little surprise visit and brought yummy eggplant parm and pasta salad for dinner, which was a wonderful and unexpected treat. As you'll see in the photos, Kyle enjoyed the visit too and wanted in on the baby action, rolling/crawling/snuggling with them :) In one of the pictures, it looks like Er is even trying to show them a few moves! Visits with Er also always brighten my day :)

I took the boys to the cemetery this afternoon after their naps. I don't really feel like Jared is any more physically there than anywhere else, but I like that there's a tangible place I can bring our boys to help provide a connection to their wonderful father as they grow up. Kyle liked putting pine cones, sticks, leaves and rocks on the "special stone". Hopefully Jared was able to feel our infinite love and appreciation today. And I also hope my dad felt our presence and love there today too...he sacrificed so much to make the best life possible for his family, which epitomizes what it means to be a dad.

PS: And for those who are wondering, Kyle slept until 5:20am this morning, not 7am :( And his late night seems to have screwed him up a bit, as he was still in there fussing almost two hours after I put him down tonight, which is very out of character. I've already been in there a couple times :(

Fun Dinner Visit

We had a nice visit today with Nonnie, Auntie Jayne, Great Grampy and Uncle Mike, eating dinner outside at Great Grampy's country club. Kyle's highlights included: trying to stuff an entire dinner roll in his mouth in one bite, eating in general, checking out all the golfcarts ("like that golfcart"), escaping into the ceremony area of an outdoor wedding that was underway, walking around with Nonnie, and did I mention eating?

Luke's at a tough age for excursions like this, because he doesn't really like sitting or being held but there's no place for him to crawl around. And we all know that occupying him with eating/drinking is out of the question, so he was a little antsy but overall did well. He especially liked hanging out with his Auntie Jayne :) And I especially liked Auntie Jayne hanging out with him while I ate my meal :)

It was already past their bedtime by the time we left, and Kyle's overtiredness definitely caught up with him on the drive home. Despite having his video on, he just kept REPEATEDLY screaming/crying about the same very irrational things: "want breakfast", "want Luke on rug", and lots of "want to go back to that [fill in the blank...yellow car, big truck, bulldozer, bridge, or whatever else we happened to pass on the highway that he wanted to see more of]". Luke kept trying to doze but was continuously jolted out of sleep by Kyle's yelling.

So by the time I got Luke fed (an abridged version of his dinner because I didn't have the usual 1+ hr to feed him!) and got them ready for bed, it was 8:30, which is a full two hours past their usual bedtime. So of course this means that Kyle's normal (horrible!) 5am wake-up time will be 7am tomorrow morning, right? I wish, but for some reason with kids (or at least my kids), late to bed usually means up even earlier. But it sure would be wonderful if he proved me wrong tomorrow!

Surprise!

The boys and I had fun surprising Nonnie at her school today! We walked all around visiting her various teacher friends. Kyle wasn't quite as into the walking-through-the-hallways part as last year. When it turned into a full-blown meltdown, it was time to bring out the big guns...a piece of plain whole wheat bread, which immediately snapped him out of it. Of course!?

And then Kyle discovered some toy trucks in the admin office area, which he enjoyed playing with. He did NOT enjoy when one the middle school boys tried to get a high five out of him...he is VERY stingy with those!

Once we got outside, Kyle was a very happy camper. He loved watching all the school buses (while holding his little school bus which he brought in his backpack), and he had fun walking all around with Nonnie. And as usual, Luke was just his laid-back easy self.

And this was by far the easiest car experience of the 3 years I've done this (even though it was the first year with two of them). Unlike the last two years, Kyle didn't scream the entire drive! Plus it was only 2 hrs each way (not 3 hrs like the other years driving up from CT). Kyle just watched his video and talked about all the big trucks around us (of course he had a few screaming fits, but nothing sustained). And he and Luke both took "car naps" (borrowing their cousins' terminology) on the way home. Only for about 45 minutes but I was pleasantly surprised.

I was also pleasantly surprised by the new double-lane Fast Lane underpasses on I95, where the speed limit remains 65mph so you don't have to slow down. Makes a LOT of sense, and is especially appreciated when you have two napping kids in the car who surely would wake up from slowing down at a toll booth.

Side Note...when I was feeding Luke tonight, I noticed that his first tooth has poked through...yay Pooks! Hopefully this explains his COMPLETE lack of interest in eating lately!

Birthday with my Boys

Ever since Alex and Rachel's birthday party, Kyle will randomly break into song with "Happy Birthday Alex and Rachel" (and this is the only song he's ever sang...he usually gets mad if I try to get him to sing!). So I was able to get him to sing "Happy Birthday" to me throughout the day today, which of course brightened my day. It was cute...he kept starting to sing with Alex and Rachel's names, but then he'd correct himself without my prompting and add "Mumma". Here's a rendition where he tried to get Luke in on the action too...


I was really hoping to get a good picture of Kyle and Luke together today, as a little birthday treat. And as you can see from the slideshow, I got LOTS of good ones...I think I'll just order a case of picture frames, because it will be too hard to choose which ones to enlarge and frame :)

And my other more lofty goal was to get a good picture of me with my boys. Hopefully I'll have some frames leftover to display these winners...


All kidding aside, I have always valued photos. But that feeling has grown exponentially this past year. I am so thankful that I have so many good pictures of Jared with Kyle, and of our 15 years together. It is sometimes a hassle to take the pictures, but I treasure my photos of him more than anything and I am so thankful that I have so many to show our boys. And someday, I hope to get a good picture of me with my boys. But as you can see from the above photos, I think that day is a long ways off!

Fun with Nonnie!

Army Crawler

Luke is starting to shift from rolling to a modified army crawl, as his preferred means of transportation. He's very determined when he sees something he wants! He seems much more motivated to be mobile than Kyle was at this age. I have a feeling that, unlike Kyle, Luke is going to be into EVERYTHING!

And a cute little Kyle story...he is REALLY good about timeouts. The three of us were snuggling on my bed this morning. Then Kyle started jumping right next to Luke's head, which was making me nervous. So I told him to stop. He didn't stop, so I said, "that's it, you're going to have a timeout". Before I could get up, he excitedly hopped off the bed and ran down to his timeout chair saying "timeout, no jumping". Once in the chair, he started doing his typical timeout protest yelling (even though he's the one who put himself there!). Interesting child he is :)

Weaning Woes

So Luke is most definitely weaning himself. Except for once or twice in the middle of the night when he's half asleep, he now cries and turns away as soon as we assume the nursing position and won't do it at all. For the last week, he literally hasn't nursed at all between the hours of 4am and 10pm. Weaning at this point would be great, because nursing him has been pretty much a nightmare since Day 1. But there's one problem...he's weaning himself to nothing. He won't take a bottle or sippy cup. And the bulk of his calories at this age should still be breastmilk/formula (24-32 oz/day...he's probably getting about 12 oz total, between the night feedings and cereal mixed with breastmilk/formula during the day).

I've even been pumping to try to entice him with a familiar taste in the cup (and to keep up my supply for the middle of the night feedings, since that is currently my only means of hydrating him). But he just wants nothing to do with it. It's ironic, because he wants to suck on anything/everything (fingers, toys, books, my face, etc) EXCEPT for anything that contains fluid. Tonight before bed, I spent about 45 minutes working with him on a sippy cup...and after all that, he had taken a whopping 1/2 ounce.

I know everyone thinks I'm overreacting and being over-dramatic about this, and that there should be some easy solution. But there's not. It truly consumes every ounce of emotional energy (and time) that I have. It is just an indescribably frustrating, exhausting, upsetting, defeating feeling to not be able to adequately nourish my baby, and to worry about the effects it's having on his long-term growth/development. And it just feels that much more impossible going through it alone. I miss Jared's emotional support so much, especially when dealing with issues surrounding our boys. There is no doubt that if he were here, he would just take charge of this transition to a cup so that I could get some much-needed separation from it. He was so patient and capable, and just overall much better equipped to handle stuff like this than I am.

I did talk to the UMASS pediatric feeding clinic again and they told me I can ramp up the solids to try to at least compensate for some of the calories and try to boost his weight gain a bit. I was happy to hear this because he's been doing better with solids (jars, yogurt, cereal). But they still stressed the importance of fluids, although didn't have any magic solutions. So I will just keep working on it with him and hope that he eventually gives in to dehydration. I ordered a bunch more different types of sippy cups to try too. We shall see. Hopefully my next post will have some good news to report, like that he's drinking 30 oz of formula from a sippy cup every day and sleeping through the night. Very wishful thinking. I know I sound like a negative loser about this, but it's just really, really hard.

Kyle demanded a "photo shoot" tonight with Luke, and of the 50ish pictures I took, this is the only one where all 4 of their eyes are open and they look reasonably happy/normal. It always strikes me in pictures of them together how VERY different they look from each other. I can't say that I see any resemblance whatsoever...very different hair, eyes, mouths, ears, head shape, etc. But they certainly do love each other. And Kyle certainly is ALL Jared :)

Happy Easter!

We had a nice Easter today. Grammy made a delicious meal and the kids had fun playing with their Easter Bunny loot. Alex and Rachel especially were off-the-wall excited, cute and fun :) They were REALLY excited to see Marti too, who they hadn't seen in a while.

For the most part, Kyle was a bit more "low key" about things, enjoying opening his eggs and then putting his new cars back in them over and over again (and running around with his cousins too!). And in typical Lukey Pookie fashion, he was just content taking it all in.

As always, a "happy" day like today is just so hard. It slams me with all that Jared and our boys are missing out on in life. Jared loved gatherings like this and his presence is just so sadly missed.

The Good, The Bad, and The Weird

Here's a little summary for you...

KYLE
The Good: He has become VERY snuggly with me lately, always wanting to hug Mumma. And he even gets sad and cries now when he or I leave! I love this new, long-overdue clinginess and separation anxiety :) And it should be noted that he no longer looks like Justin Beiber (I have no idea who Justin Beiber is or what he looks like, but I always hear his name when describing shaggy/unkempt hair so I figure it's appropriate)...I gave him a home haircut last night and, for a first attempt, it actually came out pretty good!

The Bad: He basically doesn't nap anymore. And wakes up for the day in the early 6's. Bad. Very bad.

The Weird: I cut his toenails for LITERALLY the first time ever this week, after over 2.5 years of virtual non-growth. And I didn't even have to cut all of them. I cut his fingernails every week or two. But for some reason, his toenails do not grow. Hopefully this is normal.

LUKE
The Good: Overall, I have felt much better about him this past month. He has seemed to kind of "come alive". He's more motivated to do stuff, like rolling around with purpose (to get something he wants). He also seems to be making attempts to raise his tummy and get up on all fours like he wants to crawl. And he's becoming a bit more vocal (started making "da" and "ga" sounds). These are all good "developmental developments".

The Bad: His cold (and his inability to nurse when stuffed up) has completely erased that 1.5 month stretch of better weight gain. He is still off-and-on stuffy 3 weeks later, and he's lost weight during this stretch. Very upsetting. This is the precise reason I've been so paranoid about germs around him...he just doesn't have any margin of error when it comes to gaining weight. I'll leave it at that, but it is truly pushing me to the brink of my sanity.

The Weird: He loves scratching/clawing my face. And he does it with a big, devilish grin :) He actually made my gum bleed the other day when he somehow scratched the inside my mouth.

ME
The Good: I hired a cleaning lady and they did their initial 5 hr cleaning Saturday! I don't feel like the house really gets that dirty, where it's new and I'm very organized/clutter-free. But dusting and vacuuming still need to be done and I just do not have the time or energy to do it myself. And I REALLY like a clean house. So I think this will be money very well spent. Also, they are spreading the topsoil and doing the final grade, so we should have the start of a lawn within the next couple weeks. Can't wait. Not looking forward to the daily waterings though.

The Bad: See Luke's "The Bad"

The Weird: Despite regular waterings, I seem to have virtually killed all but a couple of the 16 air-filtering hanging ivy plants that I bought to absorb all the new house toxins. Yet I still spend a couple hours every weekend watering the "carcasses", a task I DREAD. Why?! I think it's time to put them (and me) out of our misery.

And a "good" for all of us was a fun visit/playdate with Kim, Evan and Sophia this morning!

Fun Visit

We had a nice visit with the Ruggiero side of the family today (4 generations were represented!). Kyle had his usual ups and downs, but he liked reading his new potty book with Nonnie, having a crawling contest with Uncle Mike, holding/bouncing his new superball from Auntie Jayne, and saying that Great Grampy was in timeout when he was sitting in the leather chair (where Kyle does his timeouts). And Luke and Emily were really tight...Luke loved watching her and trying to grab/claw her face :)

Oh, a big breakthrough to report...Kyle finally had fun playing with his little basketball hoop today! Up until now, he has refused to play with it, probably because he senses how much I want him to like basketball so of course he wants nothing to do with it. But I think I gave him the choice of "Mumma do dishes" or "Mumma play basketball with Kyle". He chose the latter and was SO proud when he made a basket and we all cheered. I've never seen him so proud before, looking around at each of us for our reaction...it was adorable :)

Hopefully both boys will sleep well tonight after all the excitement today!