Army Crawler

Luke is starting to shift from rolling to a modified army crawl, as his preferred means of transportation. He's very determined when he sees something he wants! He seems much more motivated to be mobile than Kyle was at this age. I have a feeling that, unlike Kyle, Luke is going to be into EVERYTHING!

And a cute little Kyle story...he is REALLY good about timeouts. The three of us were snuggling on my bed this morning. Then Kyle started jumping right next to Luke's head, which was making me nervous. So I told him to stop. He didn't stop, so I said, "that's it, you're going to have a timeout". Before I could get up, he excitedly hopped off the bed and ran down to his timeout chair saying "timeout, no jumping". Once in the chair, he started doing his typical timeout protest yelling (even though he's the one who put himself there!). Interesting child he is :)

Weaning Woes

So Luke is most definitely weaning himself. Except for once or twice in the middle of the night when he's half asleep, he now cries and turns away as soon as we assume the nursing position and won't do it at all. For the last week, he literally hasn't nursed at all between the hours of 4am and 10pm. Weaning at this point would be great, because nursing him has been pretty much a nightmare since Day 1. But there's one problem...he's weaning himself to nothing. He won't take a bottle or sippy cup. And the bulk of his calories at this age should still be breastmilk/formula (24-32 oz/day...he's probably getting about 12 oz total, between the night feedings and cereal mixed with breastmilk/formula during the day).

I've even been pumping to try to entice him with a familiar taste in the cup (and to keep up my supply for the middle of the night feedings, since that is currently my only means of hydrating him). But he just wants nothing to do with it. It's ironic, because he wants to suck on anything/everything (fingers, toys, books, my face, etc) EXCEPT for anything that contains fluid. Tonight before bed, I spent about 45 minutes working with him on a sippy cup...and after all that, he had taken a whopping 1/2 ounce.

I know everyone thinks I'm overreacting and being over-dramatic about this, and that there should be some easy solution. But there's not. It truly consumes every ounce of emotional energy (and time) that I have. It is just an indescribably frustrating, exhausting, upsetting, defeating feeling to not be able to adequately nourish my baby, and to worry about the effects it's having on his long-term growth/development. And it just feels that much more impossible going through it alone. I miss Jared's emotional support so much, especially when dealing with issues surrounding our boys. There is no doubt that if he were here, he would just take charge of this transition to a cup so that I could get some much-needed separation from it. He was so patient and capable, and just overall much better equipped to handle stuff like this than I am.

I did talk to the UMASS pediatric feeding clinic again and they told me I can ramp up the solids to try to at least compensate for some of the calories and try to boost his weight gain a bit. I was happy to hear this because he's been doing better with solids (jars, yogurt, cereal). But they still stressed the importance of fluids, although didn't have any magic solutions. So I will just keep working on it with him and hope that he eventually gives in to dehydration. I ordered a bunch more different types of sippy cups to try too. We shall see. Hopefully my next post will have some good news to report, like that he's drinking 30 oz of formula from a sippy cup every day and sleeping through the night. Very wishful thinking. I know I sound like a negative loser about this, but it's just really, really hard.

Kyle demanded a "photo shoot" tonight with Luke, and of the 50ish pictures I took, this is the only one where all 4 of their eyes are open and they look reasonably happy/normal. It always strikes me in pictures of them together how VERY different they look from each other. I can't say that I see any resemblance whatsoever...very different hair, eyes, mouths, ears, head shape, etc. But they certainly do love each other. And Kyle certainly is ALL Jared :)

Happy Easter!

We had a nice Easter today. Grammy made a delicious meal and the kids had fun playing with their Easter Bunny loot. Alex and Rachel especially were off-the-wall excited, cute and fun :) They were REALLY excited to see Marti too, who they hadn't seen in a while.

For the most part, Kyle was a bit more "low key" about things, enjoying opening his eggs and then putting his new cars back in them over and over again (and running around with his cousins too!). And in typical Lukey Pookie fashion, he was just content taking it all in.

As always, a "happy" day like today is just so hard. It slams me with all that Jared and our boys are missing out on in life. Jared loved gatherings like this and his presence is just so sadly missed.

The Good, The Bad, and The Weird

Here's a little summary for you...

KYLE
The Good: He has become VERY snuggly with me lately, always wanting to hug Mumma. And he even gets sad and cries now when he or I leave! I love this new, long-overdue clinginess and separation anxiety :) And it should be noted that he no longer looks like Justin Beiber (I have no idea who Justin Beiber is or what he looks like, but I always hear his name when describing shaggy/unkempt hair so I figure it's appropriate)...I gave him a home haircut last night and, for a first attempt, it actually came out pretty good!

The Bad: He basically doesn't nap anymore. And wakes up for the day in the early 6's. Bad. Very bad.

The Weird: I cut his toenails for LITERALLY the first time ever this week, after over 2.5 years of virtual non-growth. And I didn't even have to cut all of them. I cut his fingernails every week or two. But for some reason, his toenails do not grow. Hopefully this is normal.

LUKE
The Good: Overall, I have felt much better about him this past month. He has seemed to kind of "come alive". He's more motivated to do stuff, like rolling around with purpose (to get something he wants). He also seems to be making attempts to raise his tummy and get up on all fours like he wants to crawl. And he's becoming a bit more vocal (started making "da" and "ga" sounds). These are all good "developmental developments".

The Bad: His cold (and his inability to nurse when stuffed up) has completely erased that 1.5 month stretch of better weight gain. He is still off-and-on stuffy 3 weeks later, and he's lost weight during this stretch. Very upsetting. This is the precise reason I've been so paranoid about germs around him...he just doesn't have any margin of error when it comes to gaining weight. I'll leave it at that, but it is truly pushing me to the brink of my sanity.

The Weird: He loves scratching/clawing my face. And he does it with a big, devilish grin :) He actually made my gum bleed the other day when he somehow scratched the inside my mouth.

ME
The Good: I hired a cleaning lady and they did their initial 5 hr cleaning Saturday! I don't feel like the house really gets that dirty, where it's new and I'm very organized/clutter-free. But dusting and vacuuming still need to be done and I just do not have the time or energy to do it myself. And I REALLY like a clean house. So I think this will be money very well spent. Also, they are spreading the topsoil and doing the final grade, so we should have the start of a lawn within the next couple weeks. Can't wait. Not looking forward to the daily waterings though.

The Bad: See Luke's "The Bad"

The Weird: Despite regular waterings, I seem to have virtually killed all but a couple of the 16 air-filtering hanging ivy plants that I bought to absorb all the new house toxins. Yet I still spend a couple hours every weekend watering the "carcasses", a task I DREAD. Why?! I think it's time to put them (and me) out of our misery.

And a "good" for all of us was a fun visit/playdate with Kim, Evan and Sophia this morning!

Fun Visit

We had a nice visit with the Ruggiero side of the family today (4 generations were represented!). Kyle had his usual ups and downs, but he liked reading his new potty book with Nonnie, having a crawling contest with Uncle Mike, holding/bouncing his new superball from Auntie Jayne, and saying that Great Grampy was in timeout when he was sitting in the leather chair (where Kyle does his timeouts). And Luke and Emily were really tight...Luke loved watching her and trying to grab/claw her face :)

Oh, a big breakthrough to report...Kyle finally had fun playing with his little basketball hoop today! Up until now, he has refused to play with it, probably because he senses how much I want him to like basketball so of course he wants nothing to do with it. But I think I gave him the choice of "Mumma do dishes" or "Mumma play basketball with Kyle". He chose the latter and was SO proud when he made a basket and we all cheered. I've never seen him so proud before, looking around at each of us for our reaction...it was adorable :)

Hopefully both boys will sleep well tonight after all the excitement today!

Naps, Playgrounds, etc

With a two year old and 7 month old, you'd think it would be pretty reasonable to expect at least 30 minutes each afternoon when they'd both be napping. But that's not the case with my kids. I know I sound like a broken record about naps, but this is just one of the most frustrating aspects of my life right now (especially since I'm still up every few hours at night with Luke so am very sleep-deprived). I feel like the stars need to align to get this little tiny kid-free window in the afternoon, because it happens so rarely. Yesterday, Kyle didn't nap at all (and promptly woke up Luke with his screaming). And today, Luke decided to nap for only 20 minutes (and promptly woke up Kyle, who naps SO lightly).

Ever since Jared died, I have struggled with my "coping strategy" for life's smaller challenges (like short/no naps). Before, I was always able to put things in perspective by stepping back and looking at the big picture, and recognizing how blessed I was with everything that truly mattered in life. But I no longer have that perspective and find these daily frustrations just seem to make my big picture perspective that much more difficult. And I no longer have Jared to talk to and vent about little stuff like this, as well as my bigger worries/concerns about our boys. It's just really hard.

And everything always seems worse on the weekends, when I can't help but to picture how things would have been. I used to love our family time more than anything. Especially this time of year with the start of the baseball season, March Madness, warmer weather, etc. I just miss sharing my life with him so much. I miss playing with Kyle together, I miss watching him play with Kyle, I miss listening to music together, I miss falling asleep next to him every night and waking up next to him every morning, I miss watching sports/movies together, I miss eating meals together, I miss playing games together, I miss taking walks together, and most of all I just miss talking and laughing with him. I just miss him. I miss being a family. Weekends especially feel so empty and lonely without him.

But I know I still have a lot to be thankful for in life. I love my boys more than anything in the world. And I have the most supportive mom and sister (and brother-in-law), who do SO much for me and help fill the companionship void in my life. But absolutely nothing can come close to filling the heartbreaking void that Jared has left in my life. I just miss him so much, and that only seems to grow stronger with time.

To end on a happier note, Kyle and Luke both enjoyed a new activity today...snuggling together in Kyle's crib! It was VERY cute, especially the way Kyle snuggles right up to him, and the way Luke just watches him with such adoration. They definitely love eachother...see below :)


And I took them to the playground (actually 2 different playgrounds) this afternoon. I was reminded how PAINFUL it is to watch Kyle "in action". "In action" for him at the playground is sitting at the top of the slide looking shell-shocked saying "slide too big", unable to psyche himself up to go down. VERY cautious little boy. Nonnie got to see this firsthand on Skype (on my iPhone).

He was causing a big logjam on the slide at the first playground, because he didn't understand about letting the more adventurous kids go around him (most of whom looked much younger than he!). So that's why we went to a second, smaller playground...no one was there so there was no pressure. He could sit at the top as long as he wanted! He did go down once (with lots of coaxing), said he wanted to do it again, but couldn't quite pull the trigger. I eventually had to climb up myself and carry him back down because he was too afraid to go down either the slide or the steps. I like that he's cautious, but he needs to find a happy medium and be able to let loose and enjoy fun things...must work on this!

30

Yes, 30 is the magic number today. Kyle is 30 months old and Luke is 30 week old. And I am 30 years old! Close enough. In honor of this, I thought I would list some positive things about each of them (I feel like I sound so negative sometimes).

So here are Kyle's top 5:

1) He's a REALLY good/easy/healthy eater. He will eat anything/everything and seems to enjoy it all (broccoli, spinach, you name it). And he's a very tidy little eater, which is a bonus. His eating reminds me so much of Jared, who had a big appetite and was always so appreciative of any food he was served, even if it was boring/blah. Like Jared, Kyle says "thanks Mumma" before he takes his first bite, although Jared didn't call me Mumma ;)

2) He doesn't get into anything that isn't his. Literally! I can very confidently take a shower or nurse Luke with the door shut and know that Kyle will not get into mischief. Of course he's two and is capable of anything, but I would be SHOCKED if I came out and found a kitchen cabinet emptied on the floor or anything of the like. It's just not how he's wired.

3) Since the couple nights that we let him "cry it out" when he was 6 months old, he has slept through the night with no blips. We've literally NEVER had to go in there in the night over these last two years. And I can put him down as early as 6pm and he goes to bed happily. No elaborate bedtime routine...just brush teeth, fresh diaper, jammies and a hug.

4) He's VERY adaptable, which is so fortunate considering all he's been through this past year...losing his father, two moves, a new brother, etc. Like Jared, he very much lives in the moment. He happily goes for sleepovers at his cousins' house (and fortunately is well-behaved over there!). He doesn't get sad or upset when he and I are separated, which is great especially considering I've been home with him since birth...you'd think he'd be a little more attached :-\

5) He LOVES Luke and is such a sweet big bro :)

Here's Kyle's 30 month (a.k.a. 2.5 year) photo:

Now for Luke's top 5:

1) He's the sweetest, easiest, most content little baby.

2) He's finally starting to gain well (although feeding him solids continues to be a REAL struggle).

3) He's perfectly content playing in his crib or on his playmat by himself. Note, independent play was NOT listed in Kyle's top 5 :)

4) He's never fussy. Literally!

5) He's adorable :)

Here's Luke's 30 week photo:

It feels good to step back and recognize/express their positive qualities, because it's so easy to get consumed with the challenges. My life is far from the happy, content, fulfilling life I once had. But I am blessed with two very precious little boys, and being the best mom possible to them is and must always remain my focus.

I Give Up

You win Kyle. I am done driving myself insane trying to get you to take a good nap. Your walls have soundproof insulation, your windows have light-blocking blinds and blackout curtains, you have a white noise machine. Beyond that, I'm not sure what else I can do to make your room more conducive to sleep. So I am done, since all my efforts are clearly in vain. Thanks for the 20 to 40 minute break from you that you generously give me every afternoon. It's almost enough time to sit down and have a cup of coffee. But could you please not scream angrily at the top of your lungs the second you wake up? Your brother enjoys his afternoon nap, although you are doing everything in your power to change that.

Yes, I am bitter, but it's just REALLY frustrating. Especially since I know he is capable of taking a good nap (like the 2+ hr naps he consistently takes in Westborough). And he certainly does not wake up rested and happy...far from it. And he's only 2!

To make matters worse, he's just in this horrible phase with me right now where he is pretty much miserable whenever I'm in sight. I can't get him to play with me...he just wants to order me around and constantly demand food, milk, and TV, all of which I limit. It's a very strange dynamic and I REALLY hope it is short-lived. He's great/happy with other people, but not me. Very strange. So my days with him are VERY long and sadly I'm always looking forward to my next break from him (when he goes to Grammy's or Ca's).

He napped less than 20 minutes today so will be going to bed around 5:30 tonight. Putting him to bed early is the only way I can get him to catch up on his sleep, since it never happens during naps and he won't sleep past 6:15am (soon to be 7:15...YAY!).

I love you to pieces Kyle, but a 2 hr (or even 1 hr) nap would do absolute wonders for both of us. PLEASE???

Thanks Uncle Jon!

As you can see, Luke is very excited and would like to thank Uncle Jon for the great redesign of this blog, that has finally included him after 6+ months on this earth! He was starting to get a "Kyle, Kyle, Kyle" complex :)

One Year Reflection

One year ago tonight, my world was forever shattered. Even though Jared survived those 12 days in the hospital, March 3rd was the final day of our life together, since he never regained consciousness.

Before he left for basketball that night, we had our nightly “family snuggle” as we called it (that was our bedtime ritual with Kyle, where the three of us would sit on the couch with the lights dimmed snuggling, giving Kyle lots of love/giggles…this was my absolute favorite time of the day). And then Jared brought him up to bed and most certainly kissed him and said “I love you Kyle”, as he did every night before he put him in his crib.

And I still remember our final conversation that night before he left. It was about the kitchen cabinets for our new house. They accidentally ordered the wrong color (which happened to be our 2nd choice), so we were debating keeping them at a substantial discount or waiting another month for them to reorder the correct color. Seemed like a big decision at the time but it makes me sick thinking back on it now, and how completely unimportant it was in the grand scheme of life. As always, he kissed me goodbye before he left and said “I love you”. That night, and my complete happiness and contentment in life, feel like a lifetime ago.

Even a year later, I still have to block out those final 12 days in the hospital, as they are just too painful to process and relive. But here is a summary of where I’m at in the healing process:

• To say that I miss Jared is the most ridiculous understatement. It is impossible to articulate the depth of this emotion. My pain/sadness hasn’t lessened any yet, but I guess I have learned how to live with it. I just miss him, and everything about our life together, and the future that we will never have together, so painfully much.

• I am constantly reminded how all the things that made me happy in life were centered around him. I absolutely loved our marriage, and the strength, stability and companionship that it provided. He was truly my best friend and I felt so incredibly blessed to have found him. I know that no one is perfect, but Jared was truly my perfect husband….I wouldn’t have changed a thing about him. Literally. And I wouldn’t trade our 15 yrs together for anything in the world.

• Sharing our love of Kyle was the most incredible, joyous, best experience of my life. I miss that so much. Raising our boys without him just feels so empty. And I worry about them so much, especially Luke because of all he’s been through. I never used to be a worrier, but I worry because I don’t think I could handle anything being wrong with them.

• I still cry every day. And I was someone who almost never cried before this tragedy. I can control my crying better now, but the tears are always just right there.

• It makes me so sad to think of all the life that he is missing out on. He loved being a dad more than anything, and it breaks my heart that he only had 18 months of it. He would have been in his absolute element raising two boys.

• It still rips my heart out like nothing else when I think of our boys growing up without him. I know they will grow up with lots of love, but they are going to miss out on such an important, irreplaceable part of life…feeling the constant, unwavering love, support and guidance of a father. And not just any father, but truly the best father one could have. But they will absolutely grow up knowing what an incredible man he was and will feel proud to be his sons.

• I still can’t let Kyle see pictures of him. The thought of him seeing a picture of him and wondering where he went is more than I can handle. I know he probably doesn’t think this way. But I have had very disturbing dreams of this, where he sees a picture and cries out “why did you leave me Daddy”. I hope to overcome this soon, because of course I want him (them) to see/feel his presence as much as possible.

• Without Jared, my days just all run together. I no longer get to look forward to hanging out with my best friend every night and weekend. And I no longer get the emotional lift of him calling/emailing from work during the day, wanting to hear about Kyle. I just have long, exhausting days with the boys, and sad, empty evenings alone. I cherish my evening visits with friends (most of all Ca), as they help break up the monotony and loneliness.

• Despite my months of sleep-deprivation, falling asleep at night continues to be extremely difficult. It still just feels so wrong/sad lying in bed without him. Thank goodness for audiobooks, my non-medicinal sleep aid.

• Watching/following sports used to be my favorite hobby. But the thought of doing this without Jared makes me sick. It was something we did together and like everything else, it would feel so wrong without him. Same thing with TV and movies…I haven’t watched any of either since he died.

• I need music in my life, but I’ve had to find all new stuff to listen to (oddly enough, Joan Baez has been my favorite newcomer). Music from my “old life” brings back so many intensely wonderful memories, which I am not yet ready to handle/embrace.

• I am thankful to have felt very emotionally stable since Day 1 (especially since I’ve been pregnant/nursing the whole time and wouldn’t have been able to take anything anyway). As I’ve said, if any aspect of his death felt even remotely preventable, I would probably be living in a mental hospital. Fortunately, that wasn’t the case. So my grief has always felt very uncomplicated. It doesn’t make me miss him any less, but it allowed me to very quickly accept it and find peace.

• I have been able to (very easily) experience joy and happiness throughout this year. But it all just feels somewhat muted. When something is fun/funny/happy/good, it somehow just magnifies what is missing. So everything good is also very bittersweet.

• I am so thankful that we got pregnant with Luke when we did, and that I was safely into the less-risky 2nd trimester when it happened. The thought of Kyle growing up without a father or siblings is really, really sad. I am so glad that they’ll have each other. And I’m so glad that neither of them will have an emotional scar from this. They will have the generic pain/sadness of not having a father, but not the actual trauma of the loss had they been older when it happened.

• I was recently reminded of all I have accomplished this past year (thanks Ca), which made me feel good: Returned to work full-time, packed up and sold our CT house, finished/sold our MA house (after one failed closing), bought land, designed/built another house, handled the (sometimes daily) deluge of frustrating/upsetting paperwork and phone calls (re: health insurance, life insurance, legal issues, banking, out of state move, etc.), moved twice, made it through the final 6 months of pregnancy, had Luke and battled through very difficult nursing issues while averaging about 4 hrs of broken sleep per night and also trying to be the best mom possible to Kyle (some days I’m better at this than others). But as I’ve said, busy is good and all of this has definitely helped get me through the year.

• Even though I made all my housing decisions at the lowest point in my life, I have no regrets. It would have felt too wrong/sad to live in the house that Jared and I designed/built together. And buying an existing house would have felt like settling after custom-building the last two houses. I absolutely love my new house/neighborhood and feel like it will be as perfect for me and my boys as anything can be under the circumstances.

• My two precious little boys fill my life with such joy and purpose. It's tough raising them alone, but I feel SO incredibly blessed to have them. And Jared truly lives on through them…I see it every day in Kyle, and also hope to see it in Luke as he gets older.

• I couldn’t have gotten through this last year without my mom and sister. There are no words to thank them for all they have done (and continue to do) for me and my boys, on SO many levels. I feel so incredibly blessed to have them. Their love and support have helped get me through the darkest days of my life.

My overall feelings haven’t changed since Day 1…I just miss him so painfully much and am heartbroken that our boys will grow up without him. He has left such a huge, sad void in our family, one that will never be filled. I really hope his spirit is with us, able to feel the love and joy of our boys, but not all the pain and sadness. He was truly the best person I have ever and will ever know. I loved him (and will always love him) with all my heart.