Happy 2nd Birthday Lukey (2 days late)

I was hoping to take a little break from blogging, but I realized that I never posted for Luke's birthday and would feel incomplete if I didn't. So here it is, with some pictures from the day!

His special day kicked off with Kyle going into his room with a "Happy Birthday" wakeup song, which Luke loved :) And Luke went on to sing "Happy Birthday to Luke" throughout the day :) And he also thinks it's funny to sing Happy Birthday to random objects..."happy birthday to computer...", etc.

Last week, Kyle picked out a little UPS truck for him on Amazon, and understood not to tell him about it. He helped me wrap it but had trouble parting ways with it when it was time to actually give it to Luke. Luke was so excited when he opened it! And he was also excited about the cow stuffed animal I got him too..doesn't take much at this age.

Grammy came over too and watched the boys have cake. Luke was a bit scared of the candles, but Kyle helped and blew them out for him. Kyle of course LOVED the cake, and Luke surprisingly/willingly took about 5 bites...yahoo!!

And then I woke Luke up for a late night birthday snuggle in my bed before I went to sleep (it's my new guilty pleasure...we both LOVE it). So we all had a good day, despite the usual aching void on days like this.

Luke is just such a sweet, happy, adorable, funny, smart, feisty little 2 year old who lights up my world and I love with all my heart. Now for a little blogging sabbatical...

Fun Visit with Grampa and Auntie Jayne!

We had a wonderful visit today with Grampa and Auntie Jayne! The boys were so excited and had lots of fun playing with them. We packed a lot in!

First we played inside with their new toys from "G and AJ", as Aunt Ca dubbed them on FB :) And Kyle loved Grampa's "maneuver" where he flipped him in the air with his hands! Then we played in the backyard, and G and AJ quickly learned how much Kyle and Luke LOVE to swing (they were their held-hostage "pushers"!).

Then we went for a walk on the rail trail, so the boys could show G and AJ another one of their favorite activities...throwing "big huge rocks" over the bridge and watching the splash! You'll see them hauling some big ones out to the bridge in one of the pictures :)

And I was so happy that Kyle didn't resist going to the rail trail after getting stung there on Thursday. I was afraid that negative association would linger. He talked a lot about how he didn't want to get "stunged" again, and I assured him he (probably) wouldn't. He didn't and as usual, both boys had a blast!

We then came home, had lunch (with Kyle making some lovely sound effects from the "can" for part of it), visited some more, and said our goodbyes. The boys had a great day with two very special people. And we look forward to seeing Auntie Jayne again at the kids' birthday party in less than a month!

Another fun Nonnie visit, except....

We had a fun visit with Nonnie today! The only downer was that Kyle's ear got stung by something on the rail trail bridge. Poor little guy was in a lot of pain :( But he was a trooper and turned the corner when we got home and had lunch (food has that effect on him!). Although his ear was still really red and swollen at that point :(

It looked fine when he went to bed tonight though, and he wasn't complaining about it anymore, so I think he's okay. Next up, Luke's birthday tomorrow (how is my baby already 2?!), and Grampa and Auntie Jayne on Saturday!

Birthdays

We had a great visit today with the birthday girl (Nonnie)! The boys each made her a card, and were really excited to give them to her :) And they loved the toy airplanes she brought them. Kyle opened his first, and then when it was Luke's turn to open his, Kyle said "I don't want it to be something I like"...very perceptive little boy, hoping to avoid brotherly jealousy/envy! He says that when Luke's eating "big boy food" too..."I don't want Luke to eat food that I like". Anyway, we had lots of fun and were so happy to celebrate Nonnie's birthday with her.


I meant to post a couple weeks ago on Jared's birthday. I bought the boys each a balloon (with the moon and stars on them) to release to heaven for Daddy's birthday. They each gave their balloon a big hug and kiss for Daddy before letting them go. They loved watching them go way up in the sky. But once they disappeared, Luke became hysterical and kept saying "where did they go?", and Kyle kept matter-of-factly responding with "they went up to Daddy in heaven, Luke". Talk about a conversation that you never thought in a million years you'd hear your 3 and 1 year olds having...

Kyle seemed to sort of "get it", and I could just see his little brain really trying to process/understand my responses to his various questions..."he died because his body broke" (I don't know how else to explain death at this age), "he can't come to our house next week because he has to stay in heaven forever", "yes, he loves you very much", etc, etc. And I was of course crying as this was happening and he'd say "Mommy's sad" and I told him that it's okay to be sad that Daddy died because we love him and feel sad that he can't live here with us.

These conversations are indescribably heartbreaking, and it still just seems so incomprehensible to hear these things said out loud. Hopefully I'm "handling" all of this the right way with them...I just sort of go with my gut as to when and how much to say/do. At this point, I try to keep it very simple and matter-of-fact, knowing that their understanding of it will grow/evolve as they get older. But I want it all to be very familiar to them, so that no element of it ever "shocks" them. And most of all, I want them to absolutely know how much he loves them from heaven, and always will.

Davis Farmland with Nonnie

Seeing Nonnie three times in the month of June pretty much guarantees at least three blog posts :) And what a fun visit we had today! After playing for a little bit at our house with the new toys from Nonnie (the Curious George car was a big hit), the boys introduced her to Davis Farmland.

And despite going mid-day on such a hot day, it was actually quite comfortable there...great breeze and nice dry air. The boys had fun watching/patting all the animals, going for a hayride, and jumping in the bouncy house. And most of all, hanging out with Nonnie :)

Weekend Update

First I'll start off with some pics from our visit to Davis Farmland last weekend, where Kyle had his first pony ride and loved it, and loved saying "giddy up pony"! And I let Luke run around for most of our visit, instead of having him in the stroller. He loved the freedom, and loved doing "nice" to all the animals. Until a really large, creepy sheep approached him from behind and made a weird, loud noise right in his ear. He looked at me with panic and said "hug" and didn't pat the animals after that. And I don't really blame him...that sheep was pretty disturbing!

Then yesterday, we went to a "Big Truck Show" at a local high school. Both boys loved it, although Luke didn't like all the REALLY loud honking and was crying off and on because of it :( Oh, the last picture in that batch shows what I found when I got back to my car...in my frenzy of trying to get sunscreen on the boys while juggling/keeping them safe in the parking lot, apparently I left my driver's side door open (with my purse/wallet right there on the passenger's seat) for the entire 1.5 hrs that we were walking around. Wow, never done that before! Fortunately everything appeared to be in tact, and my battery wasn't dead. Phew!

And today, we went to Great Grampy's and had fun playing ball outside with him, Nonnie, and her friend Diane. Then we had an early dinner at the country club, and the boys both did great! They liked walking around and looking at the fountains, pretty flowers, and golf carts. And of course Kyle LOVED eating his decadent mac 'n cheese dinner :) And Luke liked picking at his grilled cheese sandwich, and plucking little morsels off my plate too :) They went to bed at a wild (for them) 7:30 tonight! We'll see how that shakes out in the morning...

I'm glad today was a very busy day because as I sit here now alone on Father's Day, the sadness is really setting in, thinking about all of the love, fun, and life experiences that my boys are missing out on without their amazing father. I do the best that I can, but I certainly can't come close to filling that void in their lives. And that just absolutely breaks my heart. We love you so much Jar, and I wish with all my heart that you were here with us today celebrating your 4th Father's Day...you truly epitomized what it meant to be a great father.

Preschool Parade!

Today was "Parade Day" at Kyle's preschool. And because he goes in the morning and afternoon, he got to march in two parades!

Luke and I went this morning, and watched the "big kids" do two loops around the parking lot, marching and waving...super cute :) And Kyle looked like he was really having fun, which I just love to see :) Luke liked all the action and yelled "Kahgie" REALLY excitedly when he saw him :) Kyle's class then had a little ceremony for parents, where they sang songs (including Row Row Row Your Boat, which you'll see a picture of him acting out with a friend), did the "Hula Hop" (those are the pictures that show Kyle's cheerleading potential), and got their certificates. Luke had fun roaming around the classroom, especially playing (or I should say flooding the classroom!) at the water table.

Then I brought Luke home for lunch/nap (with Grammy) and went back for Round 2. Another parade and more festivities in his afternoon class. I wasn't sure how Kyle would do today, because he had been saying all week that he didn't want to be in the parade. But he did great and looked like he had lots of fun!

Surprise!

The boys had fun surprising Nonnie at her school today! They enjoyed exploring her classroom, watching out the window for school buses, running up and down the hallways, hanging out in the library, seeing all of Nonnie's nice teacher friends, and most of all playing chase with Nonnie in the gym!

Luke found a couple toy construction vehicles that he liked lugging around with him (one in each hand), and liked saying "blast off" with the rocket that Pam gave him! And Kyle enjoyed coloring with markers in Nonnie's classroom, and all the special treat "cookies" (i.e. little graham bunnies) along the way.

So it was a really fun visit! The drive...not so fun. About 4.5 hrs round trip in the rain with two very over-tired-but-refusing-to-sleep, whining, fussing, crying, screaming little boys. What I would have given tonight to snap my fingers when we got home and had them be fed, bathed, and in bed! But unfortunately that's not how it works. Hopefully Kyle will sleep "late" tomorrow...for some unknown reason, he has woken up (for good) at 4:50am the last two mornings :( But tomorrow is a new day!

Not the best day...

Today was not the best day, and I just feel like I need to vent (and of course have no one to do it to). So I apologize in advance for probably sounding very negative, but sometimes life just feels so hard. It started with being awoken every couple hours throughout the night last night...twice by Kyle (once was hot, the other was thirsty) and twice by Luke (once with a poop, the other with a coughing/crying fit). And then Luke woke up for good at 5:30. So it was one of those nights where I'm not sure that I slept at all, although I'm sure I did a few minutes here and there.

And days after a night like that are generally not good. So I got the boys dressed/bathroom/fed/etc (battle, battle, battle). Then I thought since Luke didn't get much sleep last night that he'd probably want a morning nap. So I put him down and did my exercise. And of course he didn't sleep and screamed through my entire session (and Kyle was yelling that he had to poop throughout). So instead of reaping the cardio benefit, I think it was completely wiped out by what was probably sky-high blood pressure from listening to them screaming and feeling very stressed/guilty about it.

So while my original motivation with starting my exercise program was to keep myself as healthy as possible for my kids (since I'm all they've got), I don't feel like it's benefiting either of us these days. There's just no good window to do it from a kid perspective (except after they go to bed at night, but then I'd never be able to fall asleep). And it's unfortunate because I am the most motivated/committed that I've ever been in my life (I have done my 4 days/week without a miss since I started last July, even through sickness). But I don't feel good about it because generally the kids are (vocally) miserable for that hour of exercise/shower, which of course leaves me feeling stressed and definitely not refreshed like exercise used to make me feel back in the day. But I plan to stick with it and just always try to figure out new ways to make it work. Anyway, I digress...

So then it was time to cut Kyle's hair (battle, battle, battle...awful scene...surprised the neighbors didn't call Child Protective Services with the blood-curdling screams he was letting out!). Then of course it was bath time, since Kyle was covered in hair (battle, battle, battle, more blood-curdling screams while I washed him). Then it was time for Skype with Nonnie, which was cut short when Luke, who was sitting on my lap for a story, whipped his head back really hard and knocked my jaw out of alignment. The pain was intense, and my uncontrollable crying from it was just making it worse since it was tensing my jaw. I couldn't bite down for a while, and then I just forced myself to, felt a pop (which was hopefully a good thing), and it's hurt like heck ever since but at least I can close it.

Then I fed them lunch, and put Luke down for his much-needed nap. And thought I was going to get a MUCH-needed break myself by surprising Kyle with the iPad that Grammy gave us (which was SUPER-awesomely nice of her, as it's something Kyle LOVES playing with it!). He happily/excitedly went in his room with it for a "play nap". Luke had been asleep for about a half hour at this point. And I told Kyle he had to be VERY quiet or else I'd take the iPad away. While of course about 5 minutes into it, he started yelling (frustrated by something). And then 10 minutes or so later, more LOUD frustrated yelling to the point that it woke up Luke (and despite my efforts, he did not go back to sleep).

Ugh, I'm starting to run out of gas with all this negativity, so I'll end with the grand finale...Luke must have aspirated his peas (which he's not very good at swallowing yet, like everything else), because he started coughing at dinner and couldn't stop. And threw up all over himself a few times from it. Big, messy, awful clean-up. And he was still coughing when I put him to bed, so I'm worried there will be more tonight.

So those are the highlights. Not to mention constant nose-wiping (Luke who really needed it but is SO hard to capture/hold for it, and Kyle who wanted it but doesn't actually blow so the tissue was always dry which is very annoying). And the feeling that my interactions with Kyle these days consist solely of constant yelling/threatening/bribing, with pockets of his "scripted" dialogue mixed in.

Days like this just leave me feeling like such an awful parent, and just completely drained. And it's always worse on the weekends, when I can't help but to picture Jared playing with the boys outside (and LOVING it!), or taking them on outings (and LOVING it!), and me getting some kid-free time (and LOVING it!), and me getting to sleep in one morning (and LOVING it!). Blah, blah, blah. I hate when I sound like such a negative loser, but life as an only parent of little, challenging kids is just so hard/exhausting/lonely, and I feel better when I can vent about it. Now back to work...

Wait, let's end on a positive. Hmmm. I know! We did have a very fun half hour playing outside after dinner (with less worry of Luke's near-puke coughing since I would only have to wash him if it happened outside, which thankfully it didn't). What a gorgeous day/evening it was, and I was glad that our day ended on a better note. And as always, tomorrow is a new day.

Mother's Day 2012

The boys and I had a very nice Mother's Day at Tower Hill with Grammy and Nonnie. The brunch was yummy, the weather was perfect, and the company was great! Luke's highlight = getting drenched at the edge of the misting fountain. Luke's lowlight = the actual brunch. Kyle's highlight = the actual brunch. Kyle's lowlight = being dragged away from the fountain when it was time to go home.

Not just today, but everyday I feel so blessed to have what I truly believe is the best mother in the world :) Thank you Mom for ALL you do for us! We love you so much and are so thankful for the very important role you play in our lives.

And I also feel very blessed that my boys have two of the best grandmothers imaginable...both have such pure and genuine love for them, which warms my heart. Thank you Grammy and Nonnie...my boys love and adore you both :)